Go fetch!

What sets Final Fantasy apart from other games of its age is the level of depth and involvedness in its goddamn sidequests. Whereas other games might ask you to fetch a key from a dungeon so that you can open shit that you couldn't open before, this game has you fetch a crown for the king who turns out to be evil so that he gives you an eyeball to give to the witch who gives you a potion to give to the elf who in turn gives you a key so you can open shit that you couldn't open before.

That's right. Thank me, bitches.

But the elves are not as kind and gentle as they seem. I stumbled across this while meandering through their rustic little elf-village:

Sweet Christ, people. The elves must have lured Link away from Hyrule, maybe with promises of women, liquor, and empty glass bottles, and then set upon him like a pack of hyenas, taking his rupees and ripping him to shreds! Then they buried the evidence.

Noble Light Warrior that I am, this is my signal to get the fuck out of there and go searching for neat treasure!

Here is some of said treasure. The Power Staff has good power? I never would have guessed.

Soon I arrive in the land of the dwarves, bearing gifts of explosives. That makes everyone super happy!

Then it's time for another epic fetch quest. Ok, get this. So you go through this very long dungeon, right? Then you beat the boss and get the rubies for the giant who opens the cave that leads to another cave where an old man gives you a rod that you can use to hit a switch back where the boss of the dungeon was, so you go through this very long dungeon again plus a couple of new floors so you can fight this evil dude that is corrupting the Crystal of Earth.

It's too bad that they're Crystals now, and not ORBs. ORB sounds a lot naughtier than Crystal. And is a little naughtiness to much to ask for after going through all that?