Blogging Final Fantasy

December ??, 2008

2008-10-14T11:46:00.001-04:00

...a date that shall live... in return....amy.

Edit: Sorry folks, the current political situation in Bangkok has mucked up Matola's trip -- specifically my return to the States. More on this as it develops

2008-09-30T20:38:00.002-04:00

Sorry for the delays, folks! We're coming back, though. I'm going to figure out how to make my PS2 play, and we're taking on that long haired bastard!

Lots of love,
Matty

Light Warriors? Not anymore, mothafucka!

2008-04-02T23:03:00.000-04:00

Hey, you guys! Isn't it great that Squaresoft has gotten all progressive with this game? They love the environment, they LOVE the gays (getting to that soon!), and... hey! Look! A black guy! And he's always there to make some sort of sassy, hip comment that is totally off the chain. Look, he knows how to tell it to the Shinra:

And why the %$#@! should he bother with that bitch Jenova? He's got bigger fish to fry.

Barret knows the value of some well-placed punctuation.

So we at Blogging Final Fantasy salute you, Barret. You have broken the Final Fantasy color barrier, if not the anime trope that one character per anime must have at least one mechanical limb.

We shall overcome, my friends. We shall overcome.

If you tag it, they will come

2008-03-20T10:48:00.006-04:00

I'm in the middle of midterms, so the FF7 playing has been a little bit slow. I'm in the middle of writing up another post for you guys, but I should be writing a paper about how there are salesmen in both "The Iceman Cometh" and (surprise!) "Death of a Salesman." I know, super profound, right?

So, in the meantime, here's something I found amusing. It's a list of all the various keywords that people have used to find our blog. I've highlighted my favorites-- those which are either the most hilarious, or the most revolting, or some combination of both..

32	30.48%	blogging final fantasy
7	6.67%	final fantasy sex
3	2.86%	final fantasy
3	2.86%	blogging zelda
2	1.90%	welcome to the town of assaram
2	1.90%	oh my hero so far away now
1	0.95%	terra orphanage ff6
1	0.95%	conclusion of my hero
1	0.95%	rosa final fantasy slutty
1	0.95%	kefka
1	0.95%	ff6 endings
1	0.95%	final fantasy ladies
1	0.95%	final fantasy vi shadow/relm
1	0.95%	oh my hero so far away no
1	0.95%	matola
1	0.95%	wow to get dancer on ff11
1	0.95%	10 sex hot
1	0.95%	final fantasy x-death fucking tree
1	0.95%	ff6a magicite list
1	0.95%	oh my hero opera
1	0.95%	final fantasy sex games
1	0.95%	final fantasy vii cash cow
1	0.95%	poopenschaft
1	0.95%	final fantasy plots
1	0.95%	final fantasy the journey continues fan
1	0.95%	ff2j best black mage setup
1	0.95%	blogging ff
1	0.95%	intra species sex
1	0.95%	bloggingdq
1	0.95%	oh my hero
1	0.95%	16 bit rpgs
1	0.95%	final fantasy 7 hot sex
1	0.95%	tecmo secret of the stars
1	0.95%	conclusion about molest
1	0.95%	ff4/ odin / snes
1	0.95%	how to make leo on ff6a gba ff6
1	0.95%	oh my hero, so far away now
1	0.95%	oh my hero, so far away now.
1	0.95%	opera ff3 song oh my hero
1	0.95%	final fantasy rip game
1	0.95%	ramza infp
1	0.95%	ffvi opera oh my hero
1	0.95%	ff6 secret gau scene
1	0.95%	ff6 secret scenes
1	0.95%	game plot
1	0.95%	opera lyrics ffvi
1	0.95%	sabin figaro girlfriend
1	0.95%	hero so far away now smile
1	0.95%	ff7 character list
1	0.95%	j2e ff4 translation
1	0.95%	fantasy ladies fi
1	0.95%	ff7 restore
1	0.95%	celes suicide snes
1	0.95%	molestation fantasy
1	0.95%	fantasy sheap
1	0.95%	different endings for final fantasy 6
1	0.95%	final fantasy 16 bit
1	0.95%	final fantasy 2 translation errors
1	0.95%	ff7 endi
1	0.95%	ff7 added effect
1	0.95%	ff7 added effect odin
1	0.95%	sketch bug gau

You know what this means, guys! More suggestive tagging and titling of posts, from here on in. We've got to attract that coveted sheap fetishist demographic, after all.

Oh, FF7.

2008-03-11T00:33:00.008-04:00

This game brings back memories. Did I tell you it's the first Final Fantasy that I ever played?

Starting up this game, the thing you immediately notice is how incredibly vast and immersive the world seems. I mean, many of the earlier games have large and detailed worlds, too. But Squaresoft uses this opening sequence to whack you across the face, grab you by the hair, and shove you headlong into the grungy, polygon-peopled, and vaguely 80s-inspired universe of FF7, in a way that, frankly, wasn't possible for the non-3D games to accomplish.

Let's take a look, shall we? This is the opening of FF6. (A fan translation, but similar enough.)

It certainly sets a mood. As you may recall, that mood was a vast departure from that of FF5. It's something darker, something with a tad more of the emo to it. But this intro is a real 16-bit device, from the days when graphics could ony tell so much, and the entire story had to fit into a single game cartridge.

Listen, nobody loves FF6 as much as I do. But let's be honest. This is an exposition-fest. Sure, it's a very ominous exposition-fest, and the graphics are gorgeous in their own way. (Which is to say, in a different way than FF7's.) But you, the player, are the observer here. As much as I hate to say it, you have to put a little bit of effort into immersing yourself in the gameworld of FF6. That probably accounts for the big ideological gap between the nerds who favor FF6, and those who favor FF7.

You'll notice the difference in this movie. You start out with the stars, right? That's because stars are in space. You know what else is in space? The Planet. You'll be hearing a lot about this over the course of the game.

Anyway, so the stars are swirling around, and stuff. When all of a sudden, you realize they're not stars, but the embers of some bizarre, green furnace, and they are illuminating the face of a lovely young polygonal woman with enormous, anime-shaped eyes. "Dee doo dee," goes the music, "Dee doo dee doo." Oh hey, the bundle of polygons in a pink dress is being cut off by a motorcycle, and then another one, and there are a bunch of people around! That's because we're in the bustling, futuristic, dystopian metropolis of Midgar! A city with plenty of attractions, like a billboard for "Loveless," the latest fragrance from Elizabeth Taylor. Or the "Goblin's Bar," where presumably the city's ethnic minority of D&D characters meet up to join parties and plan adventures.

When the camera zooms all the way out, to focus on a wide shot of Midgar with the Final Fantasy logo superimposed over it, you get a huge sense of how vast this world is. The people have disappeared entirely. Then the zoomy camera, because it's not done screwing with you yet, zooms in AGAIN, this time on a slightly different zone in the city, to focus on the incoming train that is bearing Our Hero and his cadre of lovable eco-terrorist pals.

You'll notice that this approach really underlines the differences between FF6 and FF7. In the former game, you are actively discouraged from taking on the role of a particular character, with any PC able to assume the party's lead position, and the narrative emphasis shifting from Terra, to Locke, to Celes, or to any amount of side characters during the optional quests in the game's second half. In FF7, you play as Cloud, and the game really emphasizes this. You choose many of his dialogue options; side-characters compliment his manly skills (or his feminine beauty, as we will soon see.) But since Cloud is "our" guy, we tend to believe that what he tells people about himself is true, even when his story is strange or hard to understand. After all, Crono would never lie to us! The crux of the game's plot hinges on the player's identification with Cloud.

That's why opinion on FF7 tends to be polarized-- your enjoyment of the game will largely depend on how well you tolerate the distant, chill, sometimes rude, almost alwys emo antihero at the center of the game. Not everybody loves FF6 the way that Matty and I do, but only rarely will you find somebody that really hates the game. (More often, you will find people that have never played it, because they are n00bs and won't play 2D games.) That's because they will usually find at least one character who they can identify with, out of the main cast, and they will never have to play very much as a character that they can't stand.

Anyway, enough blabbing about the intro. Let's get started! There are always new things about FF7 that I discover each time I play. For instance, did you know that Texas exists in FF7? It's true. They make beer there.

Aww, and look who has her own little liquor license. It's Marlene, you guys! How cute.

One thing that I remembered all too well was this goddamn whore of a minigame. You call this fun, Hironobu?!

SUCK IT.

Or, as the characters in this game are so fond of saying, $%#^@&! you, you &^%$#@*&^ (*&@#$)!~@#(*&%!.

Love,
Kammy

PS: I'm back, you guys!

I love you guys!

2008-03-04T22:49:00.002-05:00

And I haven't forgotten you.... but my laptop broke! That's why I haven't been playing FF7/posting amazing pix. Thankfully, I've just got a temporary setup going with a monitor hooked up to my laptop, so there is light at the end of the tunnel of non-postingness.

So, you know, I'm not dead or anything.

We're back in one week!

2008-01-27T11:17:00.001-05:00

So, loyal readers, since Kamarile needs time to get back to college so she can actually play too, and with my fears of getting too far ahead of her, we'll be back in a week so she can start the journey with me!

FF7: Sticking to traditions

2008-01-08T20:36:00.001-05:00

So, one of the great things about FF7, to me, at least, is how it sticks to the classic traditions that came before it. Take yourself back to FF6, and the battle with Whelk. FF7 starts you out battling a Scorpio-bot, with an identical battle mechanic. Attack when it's <blank>in, and it'll <blank> ur <blank>z.

But it doesn't just stop with repeating battle mechanics. In the proud tradition of Final Fantasy...

There's hoyay.

And, wow. I'd forgotten just how hoyay this game is. I know that we (perhaps over-)use this tag a lot, but you have to admit, when you can take the time in the middle of the heist to comment to one of the womenfolk in your team of loveable terrorists that she looks hot, just like a dude would?

Hmm.

I've commented in the past that every time I play these games, I learn something new. One thing I learned was that after having recently watched the entire season of Firefly (and Serenity), is that I can't resist referring to our wacky hijinks on the rail as 'The Train Job' while sing-songingly reminding myself that there's no place I can't be, since I found Serenity.

...erm, yes. Anyhoo, back to the game.

I mean, FF7 is pretty awesome, if for nothing more than how immature the script will allow you to be, sometimes, and all the things that seem 'risky' and 'edgy' after the prior games.

What other game will let you call a female love interest a 'slum drunk'?
What other game will let you play the part of a terrorist faction that blows up power plants?

I'm actually vaguely of the opinion that, were someone to try to pitch this game now, that it wouldn't make it, what with the whole interactive terrorist module.

And, just in closing -- I do have a 'Cloud, you set the bomb.' screenshot. I'll abuse a lot of memes, but that's one that I'll respectfully decline to touch.

Kamarile will probably be all over it, though.

FF7: It Starts

2008-01-03T19:47:00.001-05:00

So, not too long after my original post, I've swapped out my laptop with one from the office, and I've taken my PS2 and stood it on its edge, so that it stands proud and tall, like a... proud... tall... thing. Both of my problems are momentarily resolved.

Now, back to Final Fantasy VII. Welcome to splash screens that are relevant to the plot in some way, shape, or form. And you get two of them, for the price of one. There's the classic, black screen, and then there's the actual, in game screen, which shows how gorgeous the game is.

And it actually looks a lot prettier than I remember, but that might be because I'm playing it on a quarter of a tiny 12" laptop screen, instead of a massive 32" screen.

Oh well.

The game hasn't changed much from the classic formula, really.   You're a character with a mysterious past (this time called 'Ex-SOLDIER' instead of ????????).   You'll travel in a party of no more than three, and you'll notice that everyone looks vaguely more people-like, and that the game is probably one of the prettiest you'll see, considering the time that it came out.

The things we'll sacrifice?   People are a bit less expressive.    Everyone's very polygonal, (though I don't know if you'll notice that in the screenshots), so a lot of how feelings and emotions are conveyed are through music, which, of course, you don't have, as this is a blog of pictures and words.   This is really unfortunate, considering how expressive sprites could be in FF6, which was enhanced by appropriate music.

FF7 is really a bit of a mixed bag in those terms.   It gains a lot from new technology, but it loses a lot because of it.   That'll probably be the theme of the blog for this game, at least for me.   It's a great game, but is it really better than any other Final Fantasy?

Stay tuned.

Seven Years (is unkind on a PS2)

2008-01-03T18:31:00.001-05:00

So, I go to launch my PS2 to play a little FF7 and start the blog for it, and notice two things:

1) The Gamebridge I bought doesn't show up right on my PC, which makes screenies difficult.

2) ...Disc. Read. Error.

With almost every game I put in, too. Sad, sad tidings. I'm going to take it apart and try to clean the lens, more on this as it develops.

A Holiday Interlude

2007-12-26T19:21:00.001-05:00

So, since Kamarile is at home with the parentals, I've decided to wait a week to start FF7. Instead of moving on without her, I've decided that I'm going to present to you, our loving audience, actual pictures of iSketch games we've played recently.


Merit Award	Bad Man

Also? For your enjoyment? Lolcatz.

Seventh Inning Stretch

2007-12-18T19:35:00.002-05:00

Wow.   It's hard to believe that we're up to round 7 of the Blog.   We're practically finished, we are.

Final Fantasy 7 still has a special place in my heart.   I was 17, a plucky young junior in High School, and we spent our weekends alternating between playing Magic: The Gathering, Dungeons and Dragons, and Final Fantasy VII.

It was my first RPG team sport, if you will.   I even remember when one of our clan was penalty boxed and exiled from the house when he erased the save game that was thirty hours in.   Whoops.

For those of us who came from sprite-based games, it was amazing popping in that first (of THREE!) disks, and seeing these... people (blocky people, yes, but stay with me) on screen.

People! They... looked realistic.   A little pointy, but realistic all the same.

This was huge! No longer were storymakers bound by the limits of pixels! We could have fantastic creations, each one more beautiful than the last.

You'll soon hear me decry this fantastic innovation as the giant-ass sword through the heart of what makes the series great, of course, but still, at the time, this was huge in a good way.

I'll start my journey later this week; I've got a lot of crazy work stuff coming up due, including major deadlines in my first quarter-million dollar project, as well as some wacky home renovations during the holidays, but rest assured, you, the reader, are at the forefront of my mind.   [Interesting fact: While in a meeting for said work project, the lead programmer's cell phone rang and it was his wife. Her ringtone?   Totally FF related.]

Plus, if I play my cards right in this playthrough, I'll have the opportunity to use the hoyay and racism tags in the same post.   How awesome is that?

The real thing isn't really less ridiculous.

The Magnificent FF7

2007-12-17T15:51:00.000-05:00

As soon as I can get an AV multi-out cable for my PS2 to connect to my brand new Gamebridge, Matty and I will be starting our playthrough of FF7. (Actually, I need to find a memory card, too. Yuck.) As with FF5, we have devised a special set of rules for this playthrough. They're a little bit on the byzantine side, so let's run through them:

1. Matty and I compiled a list of FF characters with set classes/classlike abilities. This includes the casts of FF4, FF6, and FF9.

2. We then determined which materia in FF7 approximate the spells and skills of each character. Some wind up far more useful than others.

3. We assigned a number to each character, then, going down the list of FF7 characters, we used a random number generator to decide whose skillset each FF7 character would be able to use.

The intent of this is to thwart the main drawback of the materia system: namely, that the player ends up using the same three characters over and over again. With this system, the characters can ONLY use the materia assigned to them , and therefore we'd be forced to use more characters over the course of the game.

Here is what I ended up with.

Cloud: Cyan
Counter
Slash All
Double Cut
HP Absorb
MP Absorb
Odin
Added-effect/Time
Barret: Gogo
Mimic
*Can equip whatever magic materia the other members of the current party have equipped
Tifa: Strago
Enemy Skill
MP+
Aeris: Edge
Double-cut
Throw
Exit
*Can use offensive items
Red13: Gau
*Can only equip one materia at any given time
*No weapons allowed
CaitSith: Eiko
Titan
Phoenix
Alexander
Restore
Revive
Heal
Barrier
Time (not Slow)
Transform
Seal (not Sleep)
Destruct (not Death)
MP+
Magic Plus
MP Turbo
Cid: Dagger
Shiva
Ifrit
Ramuh
Odin
Leviathan
Hades
Bahamut
Restore
Life
Barrier
Heal
Transform
Mystify
MP+
Magic Plus
MP Turbo
Destruct (no Death)
Vincent: Vivi
Fire
Seal
Ice
Time (no Haste)
Lightning
Poison
Gravity
Comet
Destruct
Contain
Added Effect
MP+
Elemental
Yuffie: Sabin
Deathblow
Fire-All
Enemy Skill (Aero and White Wind Only)
HP+
Double Cut

All in all, a pretty balanced party. Happily, thanks to the double dosage of white mage/summoner skillsets, I won't have to use Cait Sith after all.

Matty rolled the following:

Cloud: Amarant
Throw
Restore
Life
(no All)
Deathblow
HP+
Long Range
Magic Plus
MP Turbo
Added Effect
Counter
Cover
Preemptive
Magic Counter
Return
HP absorb
MP absorb
Barret: Kain
XP+
HP+
SPD+
Tifa: Zidane
Enemy Away,
Steal
Preemptive,
Sense
Deathblow
HP+
SPD+
Added effect
counter
Cover (if in a party with 2 girls)
Aeris: Vivi
Fire
Seal
Ice
Time (no Haste)
Lightning
Poison
Gravity
Comet
Destruct
Contain
Added Effect
MP+
Elemental
Cid: Edge
double-cut
Throw
Exit
*Can use offensive items
Red 13: Relm
Manipulate
Cait Sith: Quina
Enemy Skill
MP+
Added Effect
Counter
Vincent: Terra
Fire
Heal
Restore
Life
Exit
Ultima
Gravity (only Demi)
Contain (only Break)
Morph (for kicks)
*either HP+ or MP+
Yuffie: Gogo
Mimic
*Can equip whatever magic materia the other members of the current party have equipped

Some of my favorites didn't get rolled at all, namely Rydia, who would have been a crazy black magic/summoner powerhouse. But the results of this experiment should be interesting. It took a long time to set up, but I think it'll be worth it!

In the meantime, why don't you sit back and enjoy some of these vintage FF7 commercials?

"Will never come to a theater near you"... if only! Damn you, Advent Children!

Yes, they were right! It couldn't be done in a major motion picture! Which is why Advent Children went straight to DVD... because it was awful!

Okay, I can't say anything else mean. I love FF7, I really do. What I don't love is my lack of a proper AV multi out cable! Curses. Anyway, we will get to this game as soon as possible.

Final Fantasy VI: In Conclusion!

2007-12-15T18:10:00.000-05:00

So, Kammy. FF6.

FF6 -- They just don't make games like they used to, huh, matty?

This? Truth. I feel like we could have probably gone on for a good six months about FF6.

We almost did. ;-)

Quiet, you.

Well, there are many things you can talk about in this game. It's extremely dense.

The awesome thing about FF6 to me is that every time I play it, I discover something awesome I didn't know about before.

Like the toilet squatting? That was new to me.

Yeah, me too. Who knew that during your grand adventure to save the world, you had time to drop the kids off at the pool?

Wait, there's a pool?

That, dear, would be slang for dropping a deuce. ....Anyhoo!

FYI? Poo jokes? Always funny.

...well, she's awful!

Getting the lyrics wrong is also rewarding.

I really think that FF6 is the top of the rollercoaster ride for the series.
You go down a little hill and back up with FF7, and then it's the start of the inevitable decline.

I wonder why that is? I mean, obviously the game has lower production values, is less technologically advanced, and less polished than its descendents.

I think that too much emphasis got put on things like 'graphics' and 'unique game mechanics'.

Like, look at all the bugs in this game! This run I got a sketch bug that froze my ATB bars and I had to reset

I never actually use Relm, unless I'm Lore whoring, so no sketch bugs for me, although this and the other bugs are usually things that you'll never do, like sketching an invisible confused ally.

It was weird, I never got one before. Or it might have been unrelated to sketching. But I think Relm was in my party. Anyhoo.

I am shocked you'd never use Relm. Shocked.

I think my affection for FF6 and FF7 comes from my affinity for those things which are ambitious and a little unpolished. FF6 does some wacky things. The experiment with non-linearity? Suicide, teen pregnancy, in a video game? An entire sequence where you go to the opera? These are crazy experiments. They're things which would not necessarily be attractive to the audience. Although, I suppose that Japan likes suicide, so maybe I'm off on this one.

There's something to that. Six was an epic story, had a lot of great, versatile characters (if you set things up right), but lacked a strong translation for the script which left you scratching your head in confusion. I was surprised at all the 'taboo' cultural things in the game, what with the teen pregnancies and the suicide attempts. But I think those are outshone by things like the opera scene, Cyan's dream. The parts of the game like that are pretty much fully immersive gaming experiences.

It's true; the actual cutscenes that don't involve the player are few and far between. The way the opera scene is designed, it forces the player to be involved and on his toes.

I remember the first time playing the Opera scene when the game just came out, before the advent of internets and such. I actually had to write out the score, because it seemed important at the time.

I also think, at the time, I named all the characters swear words.

Remember that time that we named Terra EsprSx over and over again?
"Only EsprSx can bridge the gap between esper and human"?

Will you be our hope.... EsprSx?

There's so much dialogue in this game, and I think the average player won't see a good third of it.

That's what gives this game replay value. I won't replay a game just to get the ultimate weapon or whatever. I WILL replay a game if it means I get a better story.

Which is a shame. So many of my favorite scenes (Gau and Father, the Brothers in Figaro, etc.) people won't see because they're not mandatory.

Okay, am I a total nerd if I kind of tear up when you go to see Gau's dad? I'm sorry...

Yes... But it's a well done scene. It's goofy, and poignant. That's a good summary of FF6 in general, actually.

Example: The whole guilt Ultros into letting Relm sketch a picture of him so he'll attack himself and leave, only to have your sketch fail because the hit rate sucks on it? Hilarious.

No, seriously, you're right. Goofy, but poignant. Like the opera!

A secret? This scene gets
me every time too.

And we shall use this
power on ~~Alderaan~~.... Figaro!

The other story thing that interests me is that this is a very Star Warsy game too, but it doesn't bother us like 2 and 12.

Well, in 2, you actually had to go into a death-star like dungeon to rescue the princess.

That's true. And 12 smacks of the 'prequels', what with the clone war and the robot fighting. FF6 takes the base elements, small group of rag-tag rebels trying to overthrow the evil Empire and they have the decency to stop short of having Kefka be Terra's father. I think that's why 6 (and 7, but this post isn't about that) is so great. They take all of these really good ideas and mechanics, and they don't overuse them.

For example, you only have a small number of multi-party dungeons. If you had twenty of them? Overkill. You have a fair number of mandatory character selections based upon the story, but a lot of the time, you're open ended as to who you want to use.

I actually like the bonus dungeon in FF6A, since that makes great use of the multi-party system.

It's also hard as balls.

Hard as balls? Maybe you should have that looked at. ;-) Zing!

Zing indeed.

I mean, I hate to be rabid fanboy about a game, but 6 is probably in the top 3 favorite games of all time.

I agree. I think its imperfections are endearing. The limited text space, I think, really keeps the game chugging along. Dialogue in later installments tends to be quite overwrought, and not as quotable.

That's true -- I still have issues with the script, like where they edit out the Celes suicide attempt to be an enjoyable theme-park thrill ride, but beyond that, the characters are likable, well-written, and believable.

But everyone who plays it KNOWS that she's killing herself. The code for that is so transparent as to not really matter.

That's true, but I'm an advocate of calling a spade a spade.

So you can't watch I Love Lucy because they can't say the word "pregnant" when she gets knocked up? It's the same sort of thing.

I still stand by my Kefka is the greatest villain of all time just due to the fact that he's believable statement. What do you think, K? Greatest villain ever, or confused clown who lost his circus troupe?

I love Kefka too. First boss to get an angelic choir backing him up!

This, however, becomes overdone eventually.

And it comes after your mom. Zing!

This is like Ultima, but actually effective.

The problem with future FF games is that they go, hey, people loved this in FF6. Let's add it to this game too.

Everytime you cast Ultima, a Final Fantasy villain gets his wings.

Does anyone actually cast ultima anymore? I mean, I've not used that spell for a long time because there are always mechanics in place that outstrip magic spells.

The kids have Waterga instead, nowadays.

Ultimaga-Os! Part of a balanced breakfast!

I think the problem with newer FFs is overexplanation. They're too neat, if that makes sense. They don't take as many risks, and don't reap as many rewards.

That's a good point, I suppose. I think a bit of the opposite, actually -- that the future FFs are just too overcomplicated, if anything. I *still* to this day don't understand the plot of FF7, FF8 was too high-school romance (which no-one really understands)... the list goes on.

Okay, and maybe this is just me here... but when I was a kid, and I had an SNES, I would play things like Zelda and Secret of Mana with my sister and we'd like, make up dialogue between the characters, basically as if we were playing dolls or something and that's something a kid couldn't really do with a newer game.

You could with FF8, since all Squall ever says is '...'.

I guess. But you don't have the mysteries purposefully left unresolved, like Shadow and Relm. I mean, it's easy enough to figure out, but the game never actually has the tearful family reunion scene, or anything.

Yeah, but if you couldn't figure out that they had some sort of family connection... I mean, the fact that they're the only two who can use the memento ring, for one thing. Then again, I'm sure there's a whole group of people who play RPGs and don't read any of the plot.

But my point is, the game doesn't overexplain and make it a hallmark moment.

That's true. FF6 doesn't try to beat you over the head with 'you must feel sad now!'.

Shadow is a much manlier
name than Clyde. And he has
backstory in spades!

There's a lot of emotion in this and...

...the following scene.

The line that always gets me is Celes' right before she stabs Kefka on the Floating Continent. "Power only breeds war... I wish I'd never been born."
I mean, that says a lot of stuff in one line! Lamely, that line was not kept for the Advance version. There's something lame instead.

I'm continually impressed with how well Woolsey did with the script. That line totally outdoes the Advance translation: "Celes: Power only breeds war... It's something we'd all be better without." -- The 6A script is really awful.

That's a lot more sterile. I don't know, I don't think the most accurate translation is always the best translation.

Though 6A does actually have the suicide scene correctly worded, so I suppose it's six of one...

The FF6A script isn't awful, it's just that too often they throw away the baby with the bathwater.

I don't know. They went in and changed a lot of things. Future games shouldn't set precedent for past ones, and with all these remakes, that's what happens. They take out a lot of things that made the games great, and put puns and pop culture references in to try and make the script 'funny'.

They took away the son of the submariner line, and my favorite Celes line, and the subsequent Kefka "hate" spiel. But there was planty of good, too. I mean, it's a translation by committee. It's not going to have the personality of one done by a single person.

I suppose. I still think they butchered it, but maybe I'm getting nostalgic in my golden years.

Come on, Matty, you didn't think that when you played it in February!

I've played the classic again, and realize how wrong I was. Also? I mainly like it to tweak your nose. Remember how bent out of shape you got with the fan-trans that called him Cefca?

That is a level of accuracy that is too retarded for me.

I wish FF games would get back to the trend of renaming characters that have names that sound stupid in English, like "Lulu" or "Fran"

Fran is a great name. She was the nanny, you know.

It's not a good name for a bunny girl with no sense of humor.

Would you rather her be called Snooty McHopsalot? Anyhoo, back to six.

It's practically perfect in every way. You've got tons of backstory, a driving and engaging plot, characters that are, for the most part, well-balanced and provide limitless possibilities for future playthroughs...

I think I'm ready to score this piece if you are.

Let's do it.

Alright then. I'm not ashamed to do it. Any negative points in six are far outshined by all the gold. 10/10 for me.

I feel loath to give it a perfect score, because it's not perfect.

That's true. But nothing is perfect, after all.

There are plot holes, there are incredibly bad glitches However, I do not think there will ever be another RPG like it. 10/10.

Let me get out my calculator.... that means that FF6 gets a FFNerds score of... 10! The prophecy has been fulfilled.

Coming up next, FF7! Welcome to the era of fantastically bad hair. (No - not the 80s.)

OMG, I can't wait. Did you know that FF7, if you don't count Mystic Quest, was the first FF I played?

I did, indeed. Did you know it was *not* the first FF I played?

Yes, I know. Hey, and when I played it, I didn't know anything about anime, so I thought that being able to fight dragons with a machine gun was super original!

Machine guns, dragons, motorbikes.... FF7's got it all. Stay tuned, folks, you'll love it.

Ending

2007-12-15T16:58:00.000-05:00

Now what are we going to say about the ending to FF6?

Other than the fact the ending to FF6 is the best ending in videogame history?

You mean better than Mario 2's "It was all a dream" ending?

That was actually the exact counterpoint I was thinking of. I mean, it's easily the best FF ending compared to the prior ones, in that, I don't know, you're not fighting a fucking tree.

Interesting note: FF6 and FF5, the only games in the series with non-linear endings. Unless you count X-2, which you don't.

I can't believe you'd sully FF6 with a post about X-2. I mean, FF6's ending is brilliant. It has customized parts for every character that ties into their individual storylines. It's actually probably the most serious part of FF6, though.

Yes, two of your party members die in the escape!

Sadly, none of them are Relm.

For me, a discussion of the ending of FF6 really rests upon the music. Uematsu has three tracks in FF6 that are better than anything else he has ever done. One is the opera. One is the final boss music. And one is the ending.

This is true. I think that, occasionally, I play FF6 just for the music.

It's here that you realize how clever Uematsu really was with his character themes. Like, how he designs Celes' and Locke's themes to be played together.

Locke and Celes - together because of harmonies since 2007.

I mean, the music adds a real poignancy to the ending-- an ending that isn't really so much about what the characters are doing as who the characters are.

Somewhere on the Internet, I'm sure you've just spawned a novella about philosophy in FF6.

Well, when you look at the endings to FF4 and FF5, they're very action-oriented and happily-ever-after-ish. In FF4, seriously, everyone becomes a king, except for Kain, who becomes an emo. And in FF5, the non-linear aspect is pretty much the luck of the draw, based on who is KO'd at the end of the final battle. In FF6, your ending changes if you didn't find certain characters. Celes gets a different ending without Locke, Relm gets a different ending without Strago, Edgar gets a different one without Sabin.

That's true, there's a lot of dialogue change, but on the all, it's also a very happy ending too. Terra goes back to being a baby momma, Celes and Locke doink on a bed of bandanas... even Strago and Relm ride off into the sunset together.

That's all implied, though. It is implied that Celes and Locke get together, but they ever actually confirm their lurve throughout the entire game.

Okay, if Celes is like, hoshit, this place is collapsing, gonna die, whoops, dropped a bandana of Locke's have to go get it... that's a little more than implying.

No, but if this were FF4, we'd see the wedding.

This is true.

I think if there were a fanfic that said that Celes and Locke broke up after a year because she's too emo and he loves his ex too much, I wouldn't call that OOC.

I don't know that they've got the true love that shall live forever, but you definitely know that they're rocking it in that tent on the save circle.

Okay, I'll give you that. Another sad thing: Shadow kicks it.

Well, he was understandably emo that his partner-in-crime/partner-in-the-sack died.

Right. So, all I'm saying, is that the ending is on the bittersweet side.

It's not all rainbows and sunshine, but it's pretty cheery, really.

Of course, once everyone realizes that Terra is alive, and can be a real live human girl, everything gets SUPER happy.

Exactly. Note to Square: Better ending? Terra dies.

Oh, come on.

Look, I'm sorry. But it's true.

You have to have a heart of stone not to smile just a little when the FF Prologue music is playing, and flowers start to bloom... and Duane sits in the back room while the small children of Mobliz deliver Katarin's baby...

I mean, that could all still happen with Terra taking a dirt nap. If Terra dies, everyone goes home a little wiser.

Awww, but FF6 is all about hope! If Terra died, it would be so nihilistic.

Admit it though, you'd bawl your eyes out if she did die. They could bury her next to Leo.

No, they couldn't, because if she died, it would be because the esper part of her poofed away like the magicite!

So they could bury half of her.

Oh, whatever. You can't kill your hero at the end of the game. It just doesn't happen.

Maybe it should. Wouldn't you have liked FFX better if Yuna died? No sequels.

So what makes FF6 the best game ending ever, if Terra's survival renders it imperfect?

It's a lot like the game. It's quirky and serious. Everyone gets to play a role in your survival, even if you've neglected to level them because they suck ass.

I think I screencapped like, everything in the ending.

As did I. It's all gold. I'm just saying that I could see a very good ending where Terra dies. Or even where it's left ambiguous.

FF6 is the happy medium between the overexplained ending of FF4 and the extremely ambiguous ending of FF7.

I think that's why it's so great. It's like the baby bear's stuff in Goldilocks. It's not too this, it's not too that, it's juuuust right.

Of course, I also love the FF7 ending, but many people didn't, at the time.

The 7 ending is a lot more clear than the 7 story.

I still think that if Terra died, it would defeat the whole point of the game, which is about Terra trying to find her place in the world.

Her place in the world could be in a wooden box!

You're a meanie!

I know. I'm a horrible, horrible person. Let's see if you defend Cloud so much in FF7 when I say he should have died.

I think the same is true for FF7. The game is pointless if Cloud dies, because the game is all about trying to figure out who Cloud is.

I mean, Terra couldn't die and have the ending make sense, of course. It's silly. Cyan beating up on machines, Setzer not trusting his luck... it's like everyone grew a little bit after saving the world.

I mean, yeah. And the growing is small and incremental, and not dramatic in every case. The game doesn't overreach.

Which, for any other game, might be an insult. The game doesn't strive for some the highest peak, it chills in the middle and speaks with the people.

Like, I said before that this game is ambitious, so I'm not like, revising that or anything. I just think that it is true to its characters and to itself.

I mean, that's 6's strong point. The plot and character development. They carry that right on through to the end, without doing something silly like, I dunno, killing the main character to be edgy.

Yeah, that would be silly, wouldn't it.

And not FF6 silly, appearantly.

So, our message to Square: You go, girl.

Are there any high ranking girls at Square?

Probably not. It's Japan.

Oh, right.

Anyway, stay tuned for our FF6 edition of Games In Conclusion.

It'll be great. (And someone might die!)

Blitzen in das Poopenschaft

2007-12-10T19:26:00.000-05:00

This is how FF6 Advance translates the name of Sabin's ultimate blitz.

Lies! All lies!

See? BUM RUSH. I mean, Phantom Rush? Come on. We all know that Sabin doesn't take it up the phantom.

Oh yeah! I went there!

Ladies, represent!

2007-12-09T17:17:00.000-05:00

I know, I know, we always say that FF6 doesn't have a protagonist, but really, it does. It has two, in fact. Terra:

And Celes:

That's right, bitches. They're bitches. FF6 is the only game in the series where a woman can be considered the main character. It's the only RPG I can think of off the top of my head, too. Well, that and Phantasy Star, which I haven't played. And Parasite Eve, which I haven't played either. And I guess in the early Dragon Quests you can make your hero a girl if you want. (That was awesome. The DQ4 party of Mara, Nara, Alena, and Kammy? Unbeatable. Who says you need men to kill metal slimes? Anyway, I digress.)

This is another neat risk that the game developers made that they didn't have to. I'm sure there are many little boys out there who don't want to play video games where they have to be the girl, just as there are probably many who think that sitting through an in-game opera is totally gay. To this, I say: Way to go, Square. You weren't pandering here. You thought about what would be the best concept, and went with it, rather than market-testing and determining that 15-year-old boys want to have large, potent dongs, and then making your character designs accordingly.

The way Squaresoft generally treats female characters hasn't changed too much since FF4. There will always be three girls in your party. One will be the gentle, innocent, and naive white-magic user, who is the love interest of the hero. The secondary female character will be a cold and aloof fighter, who may or may not need to be mastered by the wang of some guy in the party, even though she pretends not to need teh cock. The tertiary female is a cipher whose main purpose is to be jailbait. Gee, these archetypes sure don't tell us anything about Japan, do they? The ladies of FF6 can indeed be catgorized in this way. Relm, of course, is the jailbait.

Celes is the frigid ice maiden.

Terra is the innocent girl with a magic pendant. Did you know she has a magic pendant? ALL Type A Japanese RPG female characters have magic pendants.

But surprisingly, this game manages to transcend the character types. Let's look at Terra, for instance: sure, she has the trappings of the heroine that needs protecting, in much the same way as, say, an Aeris, or a Yuna, or a Rosa. However, she's got some of the trappings of the traditional MALE FF hero too: amnesia, a history of working for the Evil Empire before joining the rebels, a knack for communicating with ellipses. Moreover, her big existensial crisis-- her fear of her inability to love-- is not resolved in a traditional way: ie, falling for the male hero. Instead she discovers what love is by being a mother to the abandoned children of Mobliz. This denouement is surprisingly feminist for something coming from Japan: Terra's personal discovery comes from herself, and isn't dependent on a man. At the same time, she is genuinely feminine, unlike the fantasy/sci-fi trope of the invulnerable warrior babe. Could you imagine a man like Cloud taking some time to run an orphanage and consider his capacity for love? OH WAIT, that happened-- in Advent Children. GOD, I hate that movie. Can we just pretend it never happened?

Celes, on the other hand, does get a romantic plot, but the love story with Locke is handled in a very subtle way, compared to the more love-centric FFs that we have come to expect in later years (FF8, FF9, FF10.) It's complicated by her past as a war criminal, and the fact that he has his ex-girlfriend's corpse hidden in some guy's basement. They never even say that they love one another; instead, they prefer to exchange as significant glances as 16-bit sprites are capable of, and to refer to one another's aweseomeness obliquely.

Celes' love is, in fact, the driving force that binds the game's disparate World of Ruin half together. For the first half of the game, she is depressed, nihilistic, and, dare I say, a total emo. "You'd better leave me here in this dungeon, because I'm not worth rescuing and I deserve to die!" "Omigod, Gestahl and Kefka, you are so awful to me! I wish I'd never been born!" and of course, the memorable "Everyone I love is dead, so I might as well throw myself off this cliff!" Then, when she starts believing that Locke could be alive, she becomes a beacon of positive thinking, and travels around the world to get people to put down their pints of Haagen Dazs, quit listening to Evanescence, and get ready to save the world again.

Also, keep in mind, that while these two ladies may have lovey-dovey character arcs, they can also use the Atma Weapon and Illumina. Oh yeah, and the Minerva.

So they're not delicate little flowers. Come on, Squaresoft, it worked so well! Plus, it's kind of nice getting to play a game as a girl. Why can't you do stuff like this more often?

Six Innovations: 3/3

2007-12-07T19:14:00.001-05:00

So, for my final FF6 post before our joint ending summary, I'll throw out the two final innovations I wanted to bring up.

What makes FF6 one of my favorite games is that they took the concept of multiple worlds from FF5, but did them right.    This screenshot?   One of the most epic testaments to how awesome the game is.

And it's only eight little words.

Check it.   You're fighting this epic battle for truth, justice, and light.   You hit your epic climax, where you stare evil in the face on a giant floating continent. Your psuedo-ally, ninja for hire, slits-his-mamas-throat-for-nickels, has sacrificed himself to save you and your party, and then what happens?

Total. World.   Annihilation.

Eight little words open up the entire rest of the plot.   And the plot is good. Amen.

Suicide references abound in FF6.

And, last? The plot.

Which is really deserving of a post unto itself.   (Maybe Kamarile will bring up a post for it).    But I'll mention it briefly.

I have 1500 pictures.   Most of which are some sort of interesting in-game dialogue.   This game, to me, is probably the pinnacle of story-driven gaming.

Kamarile and I have argued much in the past, as you no doubt have heard me mention.   Great plot won't forgive horrible gameplay, great gameplay will do much to forgive horrible plot.

But, in the case of FF6?   It almost makes me believe that plot could forgive all evils.

But then I remember X-2, and think that no amount of plot could forgive that.

Six Innovations: 2/3

2007-12-03T20:07:00.001-05:00

When I last left off, I was extolling the virtues of FF6, and it's great multiparty dungeons.   They do this again, with a slightly different twist, in the form of a one-screen battle royale, except this time, the enemies are actually on-screen.

Now, I know, lots of other games before have had you fight creatures you can see (as opposed to random encounters, which occur seemingly randomly).   But this?   Very cool.   It's Terra! And she's in trouble!   And you have to protect her!

A fair amount of strategy can go into this too.   You can charge boldly forward, trying to outrun the guards coming the other direction (who are taking their sweet time, I'll add).

You can do what's being illustrated in this screenshot, and just block the damn path, effectively stopping the forces of the evil Empire from being able to walk past you and your two stuffies.

Or you can, if you're doing a low-level game, memorize their moves and walk past every soldier to battle the commander hassle free.

It's cute, it's fun, it's vaguely gimmicky, and it'd suck if it was used any more than it is, but it's a bit of a delightful diversion from the walk ~40 steps, get in a fight, lather, rinse, repeat.

I know what you're thinking,
and that is so not kawaii.

       You wouldn't believe how many
   screenshots I have of him dealing this
                  much damage...

It may strike some of you as surprising, but I'm going to throw this on my list.   Ridiculously broken game mechanics.

Setzer, amazingly, is one of the godliest characters in the game.   He has the (somewhat unlikely) potential to deal 39,996 damage per turn at his lowest level.

That's right.

This all comes from the fact that the damage from the dice are not halved when you use the offering (4x attack), and that the damage is: 2x Level x Dice 1 x Dice 2 x Dice 3.   So a level 10 Setzer that throws 4 4 4 would deal 1,280 damage... except that he gets another 4x for rolling all fours.   That's 5,120 damage instead.

Now, sure, most of the time you'll hit less than a thousand, but more often than not you'll bust out some crazy numbers.   5120. 9999.   And with four tries per attack?   And if you slap a Black Belt on him, letting him counter attack?   He's crazy deadly.

Setzer isn't the only one who can deal damage like this, of course, but those are under slightly less crazy broken game mechanics.... but since I've already done my post for today, you'll have to wait for the next one.

Six Innovations (that is to say, FF6 innovations, not six in total) pt 1/3

2007-11-28T17:54:00.001-05:00

So, according to Kamarile, I apparently love the hell out of game mechanics.   A typical IM conversation for us today led to the topics of our next two posts -- we discovered that she loves plot and story, and I love cool mechanics and the methods by which you convey yourself from plot point to plot point.

And it's true.   You've seen on this very blog an argument about games with great plot and bad gameplay and with superb gameplay but atrocious plot.   I still believe, on some level, that great mechanics will forgive really poor plot.   I'm not so sure about the other way 'round.

But, back to Final Fantasy 6.   The first cool thing about it is the sheer number of characters you have.   Look at them!   There's fourteen!   And, shocker, they're all unique!   They're not like, generic mage type person #316, and random chick with giant gozongas #4.

Other games have had a lot of characters, and they've been unique, but here, you've got a chick that can double her magic power, a friendly thief, a samurai that turns time into powerful attacks, a ninja who can throw, a sexbomb who can use machinery, a body builder who uses a street fighter style mechanic to deal damage, a girl who can absorb magic, a blue mage, a kid who can control people, a sexbomb who can use slots, a moogle that can berserk himself and dance, a wind god who can take on the attacks of pretty much any enemy in the game, a character who CAN do anything in the game....

And, um, a sasquatch.   Hey, they can't all be winners.

Step one, put a pointer in that box.
Step two, throw a PC in that box....

Another innovation, and my favorite mechanic by far to be honest, is multi-party dungeons. Check it. There's Gau. But wait! There's Gogo! How can this be? Law clearly dictates that you must wander around the world with no more than 3 of your friends, all compacted into the space of one person.

This is one of those mechanics that is used well, and used at the right times. There are a whole two dungeons in the World of Ruin that use this mechanic -- the final dungeon, and the Phoenix Cave. (The GBA version has a third, bonus dungeon that employs this mechanic.)

This is nice, because it allows you to explore the depth and variety of all the cool characters that you end up collecting, rather than continually using a stock party of three or four characters.

One might argue that you then have to spend three times longer leveling up, but, again, nothing is perfect.

If there's one thing I've learned from these games...

2007-11-25T16:50:00.000-05:00

... it's that family is a beautiful thing. If your brother becomes some sort of black-garbed, cackling villain, all that you need to do is stage an intervention with your uncle if you want him to realize the error of his ways. Even deadbeat dads who are also hitmen can provide you with free puppies, if you play your cards right. Isn't that great? Families are so special.

However, there is one thing that you should know when it comes to families. And that is that you should never have grandchildren. Because if you have grandchildren, YOU WILL DIE. This isn't a value judgement or anything; it's a cosmic rule of the universe. Nothing shows this better than FF6.

Exhibit A: A healthy, happy, Cid, dressed like a condom, as is his wont.

Aww, isn't that nice? A happy reunion. But uh oh, what's this?

WHAT?! Celes wants Cid to be a grandpa? No, Cid!! No! Don't do it!!

SEE? The instand that Cid becomes a grandfather figure, he is stricken with a mortal illness that I am too lazy to cure.

Oh Cid... it didn't have to be like this.

From all of us here at Blogging Final Fantasy

2007-11-22T10:45:00.001-05:00

We want to wish you a happy Thanksgiving. Or a Happy 'Hey, the Americans are stuffing their faces today, so why don't we do it too, eh?" day, if you don't celebrate a Thursday in November by gobbling down six pounds of Turkey and two liters of cranberry sauce.

A treatise on Kefka, pt. 2

2007-11-20T19:43:00.001-05:00

So, when we left off, I was talking about the fact that Kefka, more so than other FF villains, is awesome, only because there are so many human elements to identify with. (Again, see also: FFVI, better translation).

Kefka is not just a pretty face. Kefka is not just 'human'. Kefka's smart. Completely off his rocker, true, but smart. It's pretty common knowledge that the party will take whatever their arch-nemesis (or anyone else) says on blind faith, but Kefka uses that to his full advantage.

So, let's set the scene. We've got the party, who is planning on bringing down the Empire with the aide of one of their formal generals. Locke has been all, "OMG you guys, Celes is so totally on our side, like, y'know? Sure! She's torched a few cities in her time, but, like, totally reformed, 'kay?"

Other party members were reluctant, at first, but remember -- the heroes believe anything anyone ever says. Ever.

So, they welcome Celes into the fold. Cake and ice cream are had by all. Then they break into the Empire's Esper-draining facility and interactive learnatorium, where they run into Kefka.

Kefka explains they totally fell into this awesome trap orchestrated by Celes. And Locke is all emo and sad, and Celes is all nuh-uh, but they still choose to believe Kefka, sending us in an emo-tinged downward spiral that will last the rest of the damn game.

A villain, trying to break up
the heroes? This is nonsense!

Even after this -- your party still has to go back and ask the Emperor at a later date: "So, now that you're getting your asses stomped by a bunch of ultra-powerful pseudo-monsters, and we're the only people who can save your power-grubbing hides, and I know you've betrayed us once before, but you'd definitely never do it again... [pause to catch breath]... Is Celes really a spy, or can we trust her. Like we trust you now. Because we're good friends."

This, also, might explain away the script problems with a good 'there's not enough storage space to hold all the implied dialogue.

...The more I think about it, Kefka might be a good villain just because he, and by extension, the Empire, are just damn clever.

...or maybe your party is dumber than a box of rocks. Six of one, half a dozen of the other.

Oh my hero, so far away now. Will I ever see your smile?

2007-11-17T16:01:00.000-05:00

Yo, we need to post about the opera. What can we say about the opera?

What can't we say about it? It's probably the first epic cutscene in Final Fantasy history.

I guess. It's hard for me to call it purely a cutscene, because it's so interactive.

It's interactive, in that you have to click a few buttons.

Well, and fight a boss battle.

I don't consider, say, the struggle out of the gas chamber a cutscene, in FFVII. But this is more scene than not.

That's true. Now, why exactly has this particular scene become the definining FF6 scene in the minds of fanboys and -girls like ourselves? Wait, that's a rhetorical question. I have an answer.

I don't know-- maybe it's just that it's got cute opera music.

That's part of it. like, what I said about music and graphics being really important to the game's aesthetic? That's true here.

That's true-- the music is great, and on top of it all, it's a very funny scene too.

That's the nail on the head there. Like, I think you can look at the opera scene as a microcosm of all that's great about FF6. You start it out with this overture, yeah? It's this kind of dramatic prelude, and then this guy promptly takes a pratfall in front of all these chocobos running across the stage. Then Locke goes down into the dressing room to see Celes, and there's this kind of emo yet understated love scene, where neither of them admits that they want to jump the other's bones, but you know it's true. OTP.

Yeah, it's almost very highschool romance. "Tee-hee, you're pretty." "(omg, he thinks I'm pretty!) Uh, we'd better study the score one last time!" "Yeah, that's what my last girlfriend said!"

Oh, there's a tinge more emo to it. She's all like, are you only helping me because I remind you of your dead girlfriend whose corpse is being preserved in an old man's basement on your instructions and whose death you obsess over and feel responsible for? And he's like, um, I like your hair.

I was trying to gloss over all the damn emo.

But like, there's emo AND there's hilarity!

It's like watching Panic! at the Disco fall off stage and hurt themselves!

Yeah! Like, then you have the aria, which is kind of silly and kind of touching at the same time. I mean, when you have to dance with the ghost of Draco? Annoying and hilarious.

The aria is the very essence of FF music to me. That, and by extension, Celes' theme. Those two become the cornerstone of token female lead themes to me.

I agree. I think it's one of the most, if not the most, beautiful melodies Nobuo ever wrote.

I'd have to agree. I can't really think of any other piece that reminds me of future ones to come. Mainly because, while good, most of the other songs aren't very memorable.

I mean, I think the character theme work in FF6 is superb. There are a bunch of characters with really great melodic themes. Should I rattle off a few? Terra. Kefka. Gau.

VI probably has the best musical score ever.

The Figaro boys. Shadow. Relm. etc.

There's not really a bad song in the game.

Well, there's that Locke Throws Up on a Boat music.

I always crack a smile at the colosseum music. You have this very dramatic, serious, and somewhat sad overworld music. And then you step into the colosseum and it's like you walked into Vegas.

Ragtime Vegas.

I'd make a crude joke about now, but that'd be an insult to the opera, so I'll not.

Okay, good; I love the opera. Wait, that's what we were talking about, right?

Originally, I think. The oepra really perfects what is 'good' about FF6, so it's easy to get distracted.

But yeah, you have the kind of poignant aria immediately followed by the silliness of the dance, the duel, and the Ultros fight. My favorite part is how he announces that it will take him five minutes to push a weight onto the stage.

Yeah, and then the clock pops up and you're like, wow, Ultros has mad physics skills. And even the battle with Ultros is ridiculous, because he's pretty much a big purple wuss.

So like, the people who are all "The opera is the best part about FF6 because it is so moving and deep" are wrong. We're right. PS, Matty: FF6 opera original:

or FF6 opera advance?

Original, I'd have to say. Though the advance was interesting in terms of novelty.

It's hard for me to say.

I figured you'd be a purist.

I like the new translation because it fits the lines of the melody, and I like the improved synth voices. But the sound quality in general is so, so, so much better on the SNES. I can't decide. Both have their pros and cons.

That's true-- all other things being equal, you have to defer to the classic. I suppose it's telling they couldn't really make the opera 'better.' And making it 3D, Can you imagine how irritating it'd be to chase that loser dude during the dance?

I'd still play it, though. And you would too. Don't deny it!

Oh, I'd play it. But I'd also show pictures of Celes sneaking up from behind to do the lambada instead of the waltz.

In conclusion, the opera scene is awesome. of course, opera makes everything cooler. Could you imagine this game being made today? Celes would be singing J-pop in booty shorts, and there'd be a remix over the ending credits sung by some helium-voiced Japanese lady.

You know, I bet that, somewhere, there's a remix of the opera done with Yuna in short shorts.

Yuck.

Things I don't like about FFVI, pt. 1

2007-11-16T19:42:00.001-05:00

While I'm waiting for Kamarile to man up and post something....

I'll admit. FFVI isn't perfect. *gasp* *shock* *horror*. Now that we're done with that... this is actually less a complaint about FFVI, and more a complaint about American censorship. Let me present to you, the discerning audience, the following scene.

Now, I'm not a big-city lawyer, but one doesn't often take a 'leap of faith' when you're feeling down. It certainly doesn't perk you right up. But there it is. Why include this scene at all? Sure, Cid has died, and she's sad, and boo-hoo, end of the world trauma. She goes to the cliff, jumps, and wakes up on the beach crying. You could have easily just skipped the cliff and jumped to the beachside boo-hoo.

Ah well.

Also? Funniest thing ever?

Hee. They're pooing.

Cool things about FFVI, pt. 1

2007-11-11T13:15:00.001-05:00

So, there are a lot of cool things about FFVI.

Compared to its predecessors, this is a pretty damn story driven game.   I mean, there are times where you can't go two minutes without unearthing some sort of delicious pre-CGI rendering cutscene.

It's especially nice for people like me, who are used to the era of 'you must visit every single town and talk to every single person multiple times in order to figure out what to do next.'. This? Not so much a problem in FFVI. The story drives itself very well, and you could go through much of the game and not be at a loss to your next objective.

But -- if you're a fan of backstory and exposition? You can learn a surprising amount by just walking into town.   For example -- visit Locke's hometown? You're treated to a sepia-toned montage of his first true love. Take Sabin back to Figaro with Edgar? You get the story of why Sabin left to become a steroid-addled gym jockey with a heart of gold.

(For those who don't know -- their dear old dad kicked it, and wanted them both to lead Figaro into the next generation of greatness.   Sabin wanted only to go out and work to avenge the death of Daddy by righting all wrongs.   Edgar suggested settling it with a coin flip -- heads he goes to lead his life, tails he stays and becomes King.)

It's heartwarming, is what it is.   In fact, I'd wager that most people don't see a quarter of the dialogue in the game during their first walkthroughs.    So much of the inner content is based upon not only where you go, but when and with whom.

Here's a good tip if you want to design a game. Sepia = nostalgia.

Mail time!

2007-11-10T18:37:00.000-05:00

We have decided to take a quick break from your regularly scheduled blogging... to dive into the mailbag and answer some reader questions and comments! Here goes!

Re: the tombstone in Elf Town in FF1:

"I'm curious if "here lies Link" was in the original version, I may have to go back and check, because I never recall noticing that. If it was, that's cool."

I think it was originally a DQ reference. Right? Like, here lies Erdrick.

I know there's a tombstone in some game that says that. It might be a DQ game, though. I'd have to fire it up and play through.

(A quick Google determines that the original NES text was indeed “here lies Erdrick.”)

"Just started reading this blog, and it's neat (especially since I have nowhere near enough time to actually do it myself...), but I do have to comment on this post - "dastard" is a real word, and works pretty well in context. Anyway, I'd rather someone be called a dastard than a bastard, if only because it's more interesting - bastard's used so often and for so many things these days, you know?"

Dastard is such a ducking stupid word.

I mean, I've only ever really seen that word used as an adjective. Like, “Tying maidens to train tracks is a very dastardly deed.” As a noun, it's kind of silly; as an adjective, I totally support it. Here, it does indeed come off as a motherducking poor word choice.

"But if I didn't have to choose between two options, I'd ask you guys do the King's Quests after Final Fantasies."

Ooh. King's Quest. (Note: After posting this, I realized that this is already being done at Cinder Inc. - Blogging Quest. Which is exciting, in that it saves me a bunch of money and time.)

The problem with good adventure games like KQ is that they tend to be well-written, though. Could you imagine Matty and I screencapping that much quality? What kind of jokes could we make?

We'd have to photoshop everything.

You're right, we would. That's why it's possible to do a playthrough of, say, all the Monkey Island games, but you couldn't really do a blog about it. Whereas with a console game from Japan, all you need is a screencap and you have your "Spoony Bard"s and your "Welcome to Assaram"s.

Heh. Assaram. I can't wait til we get to Rocket Town.

That doesn't mean Roberta Williams isn't the tits, of course. Here she is on the cover of the classic, “Softporn Adventure.” P.S, did you know, that the guy who voices Prince Alexander was also the voice of Disney's Beast? The more you know!

Re: Mystic Quest and its place in the FF canon:

"So is this game a FF iteration at all? Because the floating spaces is something was that there pretty intensively in both X and XII and let's not go into the morphing of final bosses."

Well, the short of it is that FF:MQ was essentially introduction into RPGs for stupid dumb Americans with more money than sense.

I liked it! I was six. Don't judge me!

I consider it to not be a part of the numbered series -- much like Tactics or what not. It borrows a lot from the series, so it's definitely a 'Final Fantasy', but it certainly doesn't qualify as a numbered iteration.

It's basically an RPG without the random encounters, buying new equipment, gaining abilities, or managing your party.

Or a platformer where you don't jump on people's heads to kill them.Though you can spend hours jumping over grannies.

Right. Although I maintain that the ability to jump makes ANY game more awesome. Didn't you ever play Xenogears and just stand on somebody's head while they're giving you a pseudo-religious spiel? It's great!

You can't jump in numbered Final Fantasies, though. It'd require too much processing power to do the physics on the busty heroines.

Sad but true.

Re: homoeroticism in FF3:

"[T]hey're face to face! that isn't spooning. "

Okay, I admit it, you're right. They're laying in bed, gazing longingly into each others' eyes. Just be glad I didn't post the pic of your guy doing the same thing with the 10 year old prince.

Your mom was doing the same thing with the 10 year old prince last night. Zing!

Wait, did I use that screencap? I still have it.

"The other reason I hated FF3 (I plyed the DS version, though) is the fact that there are no save points in the final dungeon (or any other one, I guess), so after 3 attempts at finishing the game (losing on the last Dark Cloud battle each time) I just gave up, ."

FF3 was probably the truest early game in terms of difficulty. Who needs to save? Not real gamers!

I feel guilty about not having done 1 and 2 in their original forms. Had I known that their difficulty would be so reduced, I would have stuck to the originals.

Yeah, and you'd have given up on this project a long time ago. It took you, what, three years to beat DQ4?

Yeah, but since then, I've gotten really good at level grinding! Really!

Too bad you don't have to ever do it again.

Re: our query about FF3 DS:

"Nope, there's still no save points in the dungeons in ff3 ds.

Btw, I really think its a great idea that phoenix down can't be brought in stores."

I think that's a neat idea too. It adds a level of planning to the games that the others don't have. (The no save points n that final dungeon? Not so much. At least on an emulator, there are save states... and I'm not ashamed to admit, I used them for this playthrough.)

I disagree - I love the ability to resurrect people on the fly, but I don't think the downs should cost as much as a potion. Slap a 10k price tag on them, making dying something you can recover from, but still painful. Modern final fantasies, it's often easier to kill and resurrect a party member than to heal their statuses.

True dat. Take FF6 as an example: Fenix downs are 300 GP, and Remedies are 1000 GP. Wait, or are they 500 GP? I forget. But Remedies are either more expensive than they should be, or Fenix downs are cheaper than they should be.s

FF6, of course, you just equip a ribbon on them and it takes the status away. And, considering how early in the game you GET a ribbon...

Well, you have to know the game really well to find the South Figaro ribbon.

That's true - you have to be persistant enough to find that damn staircase.

And then the chest itself is hidden from view even in that secret room. That sort of secret is more a reward to those kids whose parents let them spend money on guides.

Possibly. I don't ever recall really seeing many guides to video games when I was younger, though.

I owned the Secret of Mana one! It was the only way I could advance in that game, since my 9 year old mind didn't quite understand that you were supposed to level up in an RPG, since Mystic Quest didn't teach me about levelling up. Don't judge me!

Ugh. I still remember when you tried to make us do a SoM SCC.

What the duck, I did? How could that even work? Those ghosts would just get stuck behind everything. Duck them.

Who knew ghosts couldn't walk through walls?

Artadius of Blogging Dragon Quest writes:

"What I remember from FF2 (US) way back in the day was that it was the first console RPG that I found that if you never ever ran from a battle (i.e. fought every battle you encountered) you never had to worry about grinding up levels to beat the game.

That was a wild and totally foreign concept to me at the time. When I found out many years later that it was dumbed down for it's American release... I could definitely see that.

It's still a fun game though.

Speaking of which, did you hear recently that they were remaking this game for the DS? Apparently they left out three quarters of the full plot and storyline from the original release and that they're planning on stuffing that back into the new version that they're working on. Sounds awesome!"

Artadius! Get back to your blog.

Yes - this is true. Also? I'm excited about all these DS remakes. It's tiny 3d Terra! Marvel at her esper boobies!

I'm not so much of an FF4 purist that I would disapprove of a 3d version. I think that's an awesome idea. Also, as the one who played the hardtype for the playthrough, it's not that much harder. You feel it in a couple of battles, notably the timed ones like Odin and the Evil Wall, but that's about it. Remember that for all the increased difficulty, you also get a lot of items that were cut for the American release.

I mean, I enjoy a little grinding, but not so much that you have to spend five hours doing it.

Artadius also writes, re: FF6:

"My favorite was to play each character like a specific class from a previous FF game. You then can only use skills appropriate to that class plus any skills they inherently start with or get granted with through normal gameplay. For instance, Edgar makes a great Dragoon with lances and heavy armor equipped + jump boots. But, that means no spell casting at all for him. "

That's what I think we're doing in FF7.

Because that way, you'd end up having to use all your guys, instead of just the same 3 over and over again. (Cloud-Cid-Yuffie ftw! Am I the only one who uses that party?)

Doubtful - it's a pretty standard one. Cloud and Cid have the 3x AP weapons, Yuffie can use the conformer to morph things easily.

Barret and Yuffie are my favorites, just because ranged weapons are so useful.

We'd have to figure out what archetype each character is first, though.

And Yuffie has a healing limit, which is very handy afteray aerisay iesday.

Omg, oilerspays.

Even more Artadius:

"I started FF V a long time ago with one of the translation patches...but didn't get too far.

It seems pretty fun though, I like the job system.

You're making me want to play it. Sadly, the DQ series has priority! Maybe afterwards we should do a guest blog on each other's sites "

Yes, start posting again!

We could totally rock the pants off a DQ blogging session.

Re: FF6:

"I'm looking forward to this. I remember getting the guide when I was subscribing to Nintendo Power and I read through it months before I ever owned it. I ended up buying it used when I travelled with my dad to Columbus for his work.

With the foreknowledge, anticipation and actual goodness of the game it really solidified my like of FF and RPGs.

Sabin always ended up as my uber character. I wanted him in my main party all the time so he had all the spells but never really used them since he was using the fire attack (which hit all enemies) or the bum rush (I think it was called something like that). I always thought Terra was more powerful than she was and ditched her quick. Cyan was good for the multiple hits. Gau was usually pretty worthless but I remember trying to get all of his monster abilities. I think that's where I stopped on my last play-through.

I don't know how much of a challenge it would be but I wonder how interesting a game would be if you used Relm, Gau, and Terra as the main adventuring party. Well, they were always weak in my game, so I don't how much of a challenge it would be."

I never used Cyan, actually. Gau and Terra are two of the most powerful characters, though.

Gau is the single most useful character in the entire game. I'm not even kidding you. I never appreciated him until I did a LLG, where Gau is essential.

It requires a lot of optimization, but once you do it? There's a rage for every occasion. You can even do a Gau SCC!

There IS a rage for every situation. How does your saying go, Matty? Atma-- Magic Pot. Kefka-- Magic Pot. Tea-- Magic Pot. I like to use Cyan, actually, although he's pretty useless in a LLG.

I never use Cyan in a normal game, really.

I always liked him as a guy and so I put him in my party. Don't you ever do that? Make a party of your favorite guys regardless of how good they are?

Locke, Edgar, Sabin, and Gau are a very standard party for me.

Celes - Locke - Edgar - Sabin was always my favorite, with Edgar being the most expendable of those.

I didn't really ever identify with Cyan. He was a little too borderline emo for me. Which is funny, considering how emo this game will get.

Celes is an emosaurus rex. And so's Locke, Matty. Come on. You know you only use him because he is dreamy.

He does have a cute finger wag.

I think that if we were to discuss the FF6 characters, we'd have to put them into several groups: characters that are undeniably great, characters that are maybe a little underrated, characters that are maybe a little overrated, and characters that ducking suck.

I think, depending on what game style you're doing, that list changes too.

For reals. Like, Relm is unusable in a Natural Magic Game, because her draw is her insanely high magic power, but she doesn't learn spells on her own like Terra and Celes do.

It's unfortunate for characters like Relm and Strago that join so late -- I could see Strago as being more useful if he joined early in the game. I also wish you got to keep Banon. Now THERE'S a useful character.

Strago's problem is that, while he gets cool blue magic (Step mine ftw), the MP costs are prohibitively high. So you really have to give him a Gold Hairpin or an Economizer for him to be useful.

The other problem with Strago was all the backfarming getting him to be useful required.

Well, there's always the veldt. If I was getting Gau's rages, I'd just take Strago and Relm along too. If you're doing one, you'd might as well do the other.

That's true.

Anyway, because Blue Magic is allowed in a No-esper game, Strago has a handy niche. Let's classify these characters: Ones that are insanely good? I'll start: Celes and Terra.

Gau. Gau, Gau, and Gau.

Gau gets an asterisk though, because he's only as good as the amount of time you put into him.

I don't know that Celes is insanely good, though. I think if she's in group 1, she's near the bottom.

Well, it's the mblock that does it.

That's true. It depends on if you're paying a working version or not.

Mblock is still useful even when the evade bug is fixed, just not AS useful. To be fair, Terra can get perfect mblock too, but not quite as easily as Celes. People say you have to choose between them because they have the same equips, but you don't really. Like, I always give Terra the Atma weapon instead of Celes because it doesn't take Runic. And then Celes get the Illumina, and all is well.

Any character though, with Merit Award, can get pretty damn close. I mean, Umaro can easily get 255 defense.

Yeah, but Umaro is in a category of suck by himself. I can think of only one use for Umaro, and that is as part of the Magimaster strategy in a no esper game.

That's very true too.

I find Runic more useful than Morph in LLGs, too, where defense takes priority over offense most of the time. In normal games, though, you never need to use Runic after TunnelArmr.

I think morph is more useful, due to rod breaking, but meh.

Well, you can only break so many rods before your game is no longer legit. But I digress. I think Locke, Edgar, Sabin, Mog, are quality characters, but not quite as good as Terra, Gau, and Celes. Like, Mog can get perfect defense, but so can Gau, and Rage is so much better than Dance it's not even funny.

Dance is usually a hindrance. "Insta-death!" "Revive!"

I think Cyan is overrated, because of the amount of time it takes to use his skill. The thing you can say in his defense is that all his weapons are unique, so you never have to give equipment to him that you would otherwise give to someone else. The Tempest is actually a sweet weapon to have, as well.

That's true - but his attacks tie up all your party while you wait for them to charge. So really, you're stuck using 'fight' most of the time.

Oh, and Shadow, also a quality character. Equips are not that great, but the Interceptor attacks more than makes up for it, IMO.

I love watching that dog block 9000 points of damage and then come back to rip out a throat.

Love that dog. Right, so the only character in the game that sucks is Umaro. And sort of Cyan.

Right. And sort-of-Relm. Setzer rocks, if only because of his loaded dice and the usefulness thereof in an LLG.

Right. Without the Fixed Dice, Setzer would be lame.

Though it is fun using slots to cast espers in a no-esper game.

Fun, but hard to do. I just keep getting Chocobop over and over again.

Mugu Mugu!?

Ugh, don't even get me started on ducking Lagomorph. Anyway, were we answering questions?

I don't remember, anymore.

“I just found the blog yesterday, so I wanted to go back to 5 for a minute. What were the differences in gameplay in ff5a compared to ff5j? Was exp, ap, etc. handed out in different quantities and were your abilities roided out like in Dawn of Souls?"

I don't think there was a difference... was there?

Not that I could tell. It was pretty true to course, really. Though the difficulty was probably knocked down a tiny bit for 5a.

I believe the Advance remakes are mainly ports with new translations and some bonus content, unlike the NES ones where changed the xp and gold ratios. The reason we didn't play FF4a, though, is because apparently there is a bug that drastically messes with the ATB, and makes enemies absurdly easy. But I don't think that was intentional, and I don't think there were any intentional difficulty decreases in any of the SNES advance remakes.

Oh, and to all the people suggesting challenges: we just gave up and did a normal run. The only difficult challenges that we haven't done are things like Celes-Edgar-Setzer and the one where you do CES except you use the bug that turns Celes into a weaponless moogle. And we couldn't do those for the purpose of the blog, for obvious reasons.

I'm actually doing no-espers, Kammy.

Oh, you are? Well then, I guess I'm a lamezor noob.

You said it - not me.

Re: the demise of Blogging Zelda:

"Nuts. I was enjoying that one, as well as the blogging DQ fella (and you guys too), who also has been taking a bit of a break.

Certainly this means you will take over the zelda duties when you finish all 300 FF games?"

We should take over for our fallen comrades, you know? But you're a poor college student, so I doubt you could get all the N64 zeldas and what not.

Actually, I just did a quick replay of OOT a little while ago, when I should have been conceentrating on the blog. I'm sorry! I wanted to ride a horse and shoot some arrows!

Priorities, Kam.

Also, we'll see if we ever want to play video games again once we're done with FF12.

Yeah, that I'm not looking forward to.

"Are you bored from doing FF6 for the 1545654th time ?"

No!

You know, this is also the 1,545,654th time that I'm doing Matola's mother, coincidentally.

Zing.

And she still keeps it interesting. Just like FF6!

"I've been around a lot of Final Fantasy geeks. I've seen almost every argument possible.

You guys do an exceptional job of discussing the games. Not glossing over flaws, not putting them on a pedestal, but realistically talking about them. And it's clear that you enjoy them."

It's honestly hard to find any discussion about video games on the internet that isn't fanboys irrationally loving a game or haters irrationally hating a game. You know what I'm saying, Matty?

That's true. And we're not trying to be real -- we just like making jokes about things that aren't dirty, but SEEM dirty. Like Titicaca. Or Seattle.

I mean, even the games in the series that we love have their moments of utter ridonkulousness.

FF6, for example. Our posts have primarily been about how Edgar ain't nothin but a horndog, shagging all the time.

Aw, but you've gotta love Edgar. It's funny, but every professional review you read of a FF game right after its release gives it perfect scores. I find it hard to believe that anyone could seriously and without any reservations enjoy, say, FF12, and yet if you look it up on metacritic...

I think that's probably so that they can get advance copies of the game for free.

That's true, you can never trust the IGNs of the world.

I can guarantee you that Square's never going to go, here Matty and Kammy, have a copy of FF13 because you'll poke fun at it and be honest. Now, if we were to say pinnacle of gaming this, and epic masterpiece that.... Well, suffice to say, we'd probably be ffnerds.square-enix.com.

I don't know about you, Matty, but I'd sell out if Squeenix wanted to give me a free PS3. Did you hear that, Japan? Your games are so kawaii! ^______________^

Mega-kawaii.

Konichiwa.

Re: Matty's divisions of RPG players:

"You forgot the most important group of FF nerds: those of us who started with 7 but don't think it's the pinnacle of gaming. I have converted many people to the church of FF 6 just by insisting that it was better than 7. Anyway, I love the blog, especially since I have never played through most FF games. Keep up the good work."

Hey, FF7? Actually my first FF game, if you don't count Mystic Quest. And as we told you earlier, you shouldn't count MQ.

That's true. There is a surprising subset of people who started on 7 but still love 6. Sady, they're often drowned out by the 7 fanboys.

I love 7 too. I think 6 and 7 represent the creative peak of the series.

I agree. I think they had a few good innovations along the way (I'm actually fond of the card game in 8, for example).

The problem with 7, which we shall see in posts to come, is that a lot of the jokes are written for us. Cloud in a men's bathhouse? Check.

Cloud? Dating Barret? Check.

Tifa and Aeris prostituting themselves? Check. I mean, come on.

I'm actually really excited about 7/8/9. Since I can't play them on the go, I haven't actually enjoyed their gamey goodness for a long time now.

Well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. For now, that's all that we have in our mailbag.

Heh, male bag.

Stay tuned for more FF6 goodness!

PS: We are egomaniacs and love reading your comments. Thanks so much, and keep them coming!

PPS: Hehehehe... that's what she said.

A treatise on Edgar, pt. 1

2007-11-10T15:22:00.001-05:00

I think Edgar gets a bit of a bum rap (not a word from you, Kammy!) from the two of us.   I think that *the* most common joke K and I make when we're chatting on IM is about Edgar, the date-rape King of Figaro.

I mean, ostensibly, Edgar is a good guy.    I'm not sure why his initial description calls him an ally to the Empire, only to have them tell you ten minutes later that he is, in fact, working with the Rebel Alliance to take down the Emperor. If they could take out those four words, and replace them with lover of fine women, you'd probably be a bit closer to truth where Eddy is concerned.

Edgar, to me, is a lot like a freshman, living away from home for the first time, and trying to find his identity in an alcohol-tinged year at Uni. There's no denying that he's a genuinely nice guy -- he is, after all, working to overthrow the forces of evil.

However, he's got a bit of an exaggerated machismo, in that he more or less catcalls at every smoking hot babe that happens to wander through Figaro proper.    Which is good -- I like that pretty much every hero in your party is flawed somehow.

Now -- I don't have too much more to say about Edgar, but instead, I'd like to present you with this photographic montage of the good King of Figaro.

Most misleading intro ever.

(Yes, I know I'm taking this out of context -- but it makes for the funneh!)

Edgar! Getting what he wants through the pretty!

Edgar! Equal opprotunity lover!

You know it's bad...

2007-11-10T00:43:00.000-05:00

...when I'm not even halfway through the game and I already have well over 300 screencaps. I could go on for pages upon pages with pictures captioned with "that's what she said!", or "yeah, in her PANTS."

That's what she said!

Yeah, an inside look at Celes's pants!

Come on, look at his face. You know that's what he's thinking.

While I'm working on my next post...

2007-11-08T21:02:00.000-05:00

Aww. This is all.

A treatise on Kefka, pt. 1

2007-11-05T20:35:00.001-05:00

Kamarile and I talk about a lot of Final Fantasy (more so since the Advent of our Blog), usually when I'm at work on a conference call and am desperate for something to break the tedium of my day to day life.

Today, I threw out a comment about which Final Fantasy was the darkest. I think it's something I'll revisit, but, it got me thinking about Kefka. Kefka, you see, crosses the line between everyday villany, and cartoonish super-villany.

Before I get too deep into this, think back to our villains of Final Fantasies past.

Final Fantasy 1 has an evil being (Chaos), who creates a time paradox in order to live forever.

Final Fantasy 2 is essentially Star Wars, Episodes IV and V, complete with evil emperor trying to take over the world.

Final Fantasy 3 is you fighting a big mean cloud and trying to restore the balance of the Crystals -- and the world!

Final Fantasy 4, I think, is where we start getting a little more evil with our villains. Golbez is essentially trying to transplant all of the moon people onto the Earth, and thinks he has to kill all the humans to do it.

Final Fantasy 5, of course, has X-Death, an evil wizard imprisoned in another dimension because he's a bad, bad boy. (He's also a fucking tree. Don't forget about that part. -Kammy)

Kefka is ridiculously evil.

Now, let's take a look at Final Fantasy VI. We've got Kefka. Who, clearly, is our major villain, as he's evil, and has the most memorable speaking lines.

This? Is a person who revels in death. Now, I know what you're thinking. Gee, Matola, there are other villains who enjoy killing their adversaries. This? Truth.

The difference, in my mind, is that Kefka doesn't care who he kills, so long as they die in a horrible, painful manner. Friend, foe, ally, enemy? Doesn't matter. The only thing that DOES matter is a swift, painful death.

Final Fantasy 6 is a landmark game to me in a lot of ways. I think that you'll find that you can classify a large majority of FF Fanatics into one of three groups.

The first group is those that played FF1 when it first game out, or got into the genre with Dragon Quest 1. The second would be the group who joined in the SNES era, and consider this to be the pinnacle of gaming. The third played FF7 when it game out on the PS1 and think it's the pinnacle of gaming. [I assume there might be a fourth group that started on FFX. Note no such comment of it being the pinnacle of gaming].

The other, more interesting thing to me, is how flippant Kefka is. And, I can't explain it, but this behavior that is almost the complete polar opposite of the above? It makes Kefka more believable to me. Or, perhaps, I can say, more human, despite how inappropriate that sentence may seem.

Kefka subscribes to the principle of vengeance at any price. He wants to be the best, and he obviously wants to have a damn good time while he does it. Very human, I think. The problem, though, is a complete and total lack of a moral compass.

And, actually, morality, to me, is the overarching theme behind the game. Some games are about 'love', and 'hope', but this one? It's all about fighting for what's right. And that's why Kefka, and by extension, FF6 is such a great game.

Because, when it comes down to it, haven't we all heard that little voice in the back of our head, cackling madly and telling us to give into our baser impulses?

I know that I have.

I bet you've seen this screenshot before!

A neat article about FF6

2007-11-04T21:31:00.001-05:00

"The continued popularity of FF6, I think, comes down to this: FF6 is always as hard / easy / fast / slow / tactical / simple / open / linear / serious / whimsical as the player feels like it should be."

I found this while making my rounds on the Internet, and the guy who wrote it is of a mind with me about FF6. As much praise as I lavish upon this game, I know all too well that no game is perfect, and FF6 too has its share of imperfections and inconsistancies. Sometimes I wonder what this game would be like if it were made with the almost limitless disk space that we can use for modern console games. Would the plot holes disappear if there were room to explain things more fully, for example? Maybe so. But as the article states, the charm of FF6 is that it never overexplains, and it never falls into the trap of overstatement. I don't think that any RPG since can say the same.

The writer also makes some very astute observations about FF6's gameplay innovations, and how they compare to earlier and later games in the series. How relevant! Looks like he has a similar article for each game of the series, so he is a fellow FF-play-througher. I'm going to start reading all his articles right now.

(P.S.: Three blog posts in a day? No way. We're back in business, guys! Sorry for the hiatus.)

2007-11-04T16:47:00.000-05:00

You may notice that Matty and I have chosen to play the original version of FF6, the one released in North America for the SNES as Final Fantasy 3. There is now an alternative version of this game for the GBA (the Playstation one doesn't count, because it is lame.) Now, we are not purist snobs here at FFNerds, and we love FF6 Advance accordingly. Here are some of the awesome features that FF6A has that FF3us does not:

1) A high-difficulty bonus dungeon after you beat the game, which is nice, since FF6 is an easy game where a lot of the time, unless you're doing specialty challenges, you never get to use half of your Kewl Powerz.

2) Extra espers, the coolest of which is a Cactuar esper that gives you ~~Quick~~ (Haste2 and +2 speed at level --Matty) and is a tricky fight. (Gilgamesh appears, although without his theme song, which instantly makes him less cool.)

3) You can play it on the bus.

4) The best feature of all this, however, is a brand new official translation, which to the best of my knowledge is more faithful to the original Japanese. This translation breaks away from a lot of what fanboys perjoratively refer to on the internets as "Woolseyisms" that pepper the game text of FF3us.

Now, let's talk for a minute about Ted Woolsey. He's the guy responsible for the official English translations of most of the 16-bit Squaresoft classics: Final Fantasy 6, Chrono Trigger, Secret of Mana, and Super Mario RPG. He would translate chunks of game text, out of context, all by his own, and was given pretty small amounts of time to complete these translations. And this game text also had to comply to Nintendo's pre-game ratings system of censorship, which basically existed to make sure that no parent could possibly be offended enough by a game to lead to a possible lawsuit. Not only could games not be too violent, they also had to avoid touching on death, sex, or religion. Not talking about death seems like a tall task in a game where your goal is to, I dunno, stop a villain from killing people, and where a PC's wife and small child are wiped out with his entire country in a cutscene, and where another PC tries to kill herself after she believes that everyone she loves is dead. It's hard to even repeat that sentence without using the words "kill" or "dead" at some point, and yet Ted Woolsey manages this for the entire game. And it's not like he does this by changing events in the game. In the image to the right, for example, we still learn that Cyan's wife and kid have just drunk Kefka's poisoned kool-aid of death. Woolsey just has to cleverly replace the word "die" with such euphemisms as "leave me," "be defeated," or "pass away."

Another problem? space constraints on the cartridge. You notice a lot of lines of dialogue that are written to use the bare minimum of characters, and monster names bear the brunt of the squishing. This means a lot of people in FF6 will replace "them" with "em," for example. It also means that fearsome monsters like TunnelArmr are allowed to run about with impunity.

Despite, and perhaps because, of these setbacks, Woolsey's writing is quirky and idiosyncratic. His contribution to Japanese RPGs in the west was not only making them readable, but making them quotable. People often quote this Sabin line as an example of "Bad Woolsey," but I like it. Yogi Berra could have said it. And I think it gets the message across perfectly, in a way that's in character for the dumb jock who doesn't understand why people are singing at the opera: that were it not for the arbitrary decisions of rulers, General Leo would be one of the good guys too. Leo's like the Bernie Williams to Gestahl's George Steinbrenner. I can dig that.

Kefka is really the ideal villain for Woolsey's style, because he's a little kooky and off the beaten path as far as villains go. He isn't self-collected and brooding, like a Magus or a Sephiroth. He's insane and goofy, clever and unpredictable, and more than any other villain in the series, eminently quotable. Kefka never speaks in ellipses. He speaks in awesome.

That's not to say, of course, that I am ratting on the new translation. I love most of what the new translation does, and I think it's worth paying the $30 for a new game just to play the new translation, free from the company's earlier restraints on words like "death," "holy," and "pregnant." However, I don't think it's fair to dismiss Woolsey and the neat things that he did with FF6's translation. I would happily play either version anytime (although FF3us's sound quality is much better.) Godspeed, Ted, wherever you are.

That's not a blog post! That's a starship!

2007-11-04T14:32:00.001-05:00

So, when we left off, we'd just found a faaaabulous new ally for our fight against the evil oppressive empire. FF6 takes the whole 'I'm stealing from Star Wars' idea, but does it better than future games, which shall remain nameless. Namely, FF12.

But, let's think about this for a moment. You've got a plucky young band of rebels, fighting against the awful, oppressive Empire. An empire who, will for no reason other than it's fun, slaughter millions of innocent people. You've got a devil-may-care thie....treasure hunter who will do anything for the love of a good woman. You're battling the forces of technology with an ancient magic power. And, in the end, it's all a story about love and truth, justice and honor, kitten and puppies*.

*note -- story may not actually be about kittens and puppies.

Sadly, this will not be the first time Celes says this to Locke. Just read any FF6 fanfic.

But, let's move on. The game isn't all 'The Force' this, and 'Death Star' that. There's more to the story. You're definitely not going to find THIS in Darth Vader's repetoir.

I'm serious. I don't know HOW this game made it past the censors. Clearly they thought America must be ready for the deluge of Anime that the country was going to unleash onto us. I mean, honestly. If you're giving me an opening to make a tentacle rape joke, without even really trying, you perhaps need to reconsider the audience you're trying to deliver to.


That's not what he said last night!	Squaresoft is so fucking Kawaii.

I'M IN UR BLOG, POSTIN UR PIXTORZ

2007-11-03T16:12:00.000-04:00

FF6 is interesting, in that there are a lot of things that I'm surprised make it past the censor's sensors. Matricide? Really? It's like we're all sitting at home and watching Family Guy instead of playing Final Fantasy 6. Y'know, family guy? Watching a little cartoon? Voiced by Seth McFarlane? Show about the Griffins? An eensy bit racist? sexist? Like a risque simpsons? Hmm? Hmm? hmm?. No, seriously, it's a lot of fun.

On the flip side, the other thing that interests me is the first real gay character in Final Fantasy-dom.

Now, I know what you're thinking. At least he's not some gym obsessed size queen, right?

..never doubt me again! Ever!

OMG A POST

2007-11-01T21:17:00.001-04:00

A funny quirk about cutscenes in FF6 is that an awful lot of them happen on the battle screen. This isn't something entirely new; FF4 of course has the infamous "Spoony Bard" battle cutscene, and various others (Tellah summons Meteo, spirits of former party members restore your health by praying/"wishing," etc.) But generally, the battle screen cutscenes in FF4 are about fighting. In FF6, your characters are happy to chat about any old thing while horrific metal automatons of destruction are looming over them.

My favorite part about this is that Terra actually takes a moment to lower her head and have a Final Fantasy Emo Moment of Silence (FFEMS,) which is usually characterized by speaking in ellipses. And all the while, the Magitek bots just kind of sit there patiently and wait for everyone to finish what they were talking about before you get back to the fighting.

Now right now, you're probably saying "Oh Kamarile, you silly ho. Don't you realize that it's a game and it's not supposed to be realistic?" And I would say to that, "Of course, you're utterly right. You HAVE to suspend your disbelief at times in games like this." I mean, would a thief, having stolen someone's clothes off of them in broad daylight in the middle of the crowd, take the time to try them on and decide whether they make his ass look too big right then and there? Probably not. But this is FF6 and this is how we do.

That's not to say that FF6 isn't realistic in some ways. The characters in this game more than any other in the series act and behave like real people rather than like anime cliches. But not in this regard. If you're going to play FF6 and like it, you've just got to embrace the silly stuff along with the emo.

The adventure begins... for the sixth time!

2007-09-03T13:07:00.000-04:00

Hey, you guys! Kamarile here. Sorry for my recent absence from the blog. I'd like to say that it was due to vacation, and being at home with spotty internet*, but really, that is no excuse. Anyway, I'm back on track, and ready to start playing Final Fantasy 6!

I've come to the point in the playthrough where, lately, I haven't so much been discovering new things about the games as I have been noticing the ways in which they evolve from one to the next. I mean, duh, right? Isn't that the whole point of playing through the games in chronological order? Well, you see, FF6 is a game that I pretty much have memorized.

See? Even so, every few months or so, Matty and I will sit at our computers, turn on the old AIM, and have a conversation that pretty much goes like this:

Me: Maaatttyyyyy, I'm sooo borrrrred! *sad emoticon*
Matty: hmmmmm
Matty: do you want to play a game?
Me: Sure! Which ones haven't we played in a while?
Matty: Well, it's been about three weeks since we did FF6...
Me: Okay! Let's do it!

So, you might be asking, if I have played FF6 so many times, what makes THIS run different from all the others? Let me tell you: perspective makes a HUGE difference with this game. When I first played FF6, it was right after I finished FF7, which was my first game in the series unless you count Mystic Quest. Both 6 and 7 are vastly darker than every other game in the series, but you don't really recognize that when you look at the two in a vaccuum.

From the moment I started up the game, I was struck by how completely this game diverges from the style of its predecessor. FF5's opening titles are bright and cheery-- Butz is riding his chocobo and there's jaunty music playing. FF6's titles are like, written in FLAMES, and there are dramatic organ chords pounding away. If one game seems to say, "Let's go have an adventure! Come level up your characters' jobs! It'll be fun!", the other indicates that some totally epic shit is going to go down.

Really, FF6 is the first game in the series where graphics and sound play more than a functional role. Of all the "story-based" (even-numbered) games in the series so far, FF6 is the only one to convey its story in more than just the text. Okay, sure, Rydia has a pretty character theme, and there is that one frame of Rosa and Cecil kissing, but this is nowhere near the level of FF6. Not only is the general palette of muted colors darker and more evocative than those of the earlier games, but the character sprites are extremely expressive, displaying such varying emotions as sadness, happiness, surprise, or even sleaziness, as is the case with Edgar here.

The other things to note about the opening to this game are the creepy undertones... and boy, are there a lot of them:

Ewwww.

Ewwwwwwwwwwwww!

And a super-creepy salute from the evil empire. I mean, it makes sense. I always knew there had to be a reason why Amano draws so many blondes. After all, is it really a video game if you're not fighting a Nazi or two?

*As opposed to being at school in my apartment with my next-door neighbor's extremely reliable unsecured wireless network.

So, I was trying to be nice....

2007-09-01T15:12:00.000-04:00

...and give Kamarile a chance to actually post before I got too deep into FF6.

This, perhaps, was an error.

More, FFNerds! Back in action! Monday, September 3, 2007!

FF6 continues! With Locke and Edgar!

2007-08-15T18:40:00.000-04:00

Next up, we meet Locke. Treasure Hunter Extraordinaire. Quite possibly the coolest guy ever. He's kind, true of heart, always willing to help out someone in need....

...oh. Right. He's also a gossip queen and can be a judgmental treasure hunter if you let him get on a rant.

Best to distract him with something shiny.

Like a slutty ying to Terra's yang, Edgar is a ladies' man.

I produce this photo montage to show just why it's a good idea to get tested EVERY three months.

RIP - Blogging Zelda

2007-08-15T10:37:00.000-04:00

I noticed today that the Blogging Zelda page, which had momentarily gone "AFK", is now completely gone.

I'd like to take a moment of silence for our fallen comrade, and swear to redouble our efforts in our epic quest.

FF6 Begins... with ??????

2007-08-13T20:40:00.000-04:00

FF6, to me, takes what was great about all the prior Final Fantasies and makes them greater. Let's start with our first character.

This is Terra. She's a hot piece of green-haired tail. Note that she's sleeping in some old guy's bed. AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHO HE IS!

Skankho.

Despite the fact that she's easier than FF4, this is actually an important point. The story driven elements of FF4 come back to FF6. Most of the game is actually the epic story of Terra [thought it could be argued that it's actually the epic story of Celes, Sabin, and Edgar] (kind of how the story is about Kain in FF4 and Aeris in FF7).

I've been playing for three minutes and we've got two potential partners. That's what makes this the best (worst) game of the series.

Why no post in a while, you ask?

2007-08-09T18:29:00.000-04:00

Well, two reasons. One? Real life? Very busy.

Number two is that this is a huge deal. There are really three generations of RPG players, in my mind. The first are those of us who, with our Nintendo power, learned of the love of Dragon Warrior 1 (see Blogging DQ) and started our journey there, and declare Dragon Warrior IV to be one of the finest games ever created.

Then there's the next generation, like Kamarile, who fell in love with FF6 and declare it to be the finest game ever (and it might very well be).

There's a darker, third generation, who started on FFVII, with an image sullied by many 'l33t' kiddies posting on message boards saying that FF6 and DW4 can't be good games becuz teh pixtorz rn't gud.

So, yeah. FF6 is huge. It's gigantic. It's epic. It must be done justice.

As for the gameplay suggestions? I could certainly go for a No Esper game, so I think I might just do that...

The greatest (worst?) game ever! Starts!

2007-08-01T19:22:00.001-04:00

...er, wait, no. Something's not right.

And it starts. Words can NOT describe how (not?) excited I am.

FF5: In Conclusion!

2007-07-29T18:41:00.000-04:00

So, Matty. What did you think of FF5?

I was surprised. I loved it a lot more than I thought I would. It's just fun to play.

What? You loved it? No. It's not like all your post titles were "I love FF5" or anything.

I know. Spoilers ahoy, eh? What did you think?

FF5 is a very solid game. I always enjoy it when I play it, but it's not very memorable. I think that's the best way to describe it.

True - I could never really tell you the logical progression of plot in the game, but it's damn enjoyable.

Your translation probably gave the plot a little bit more color than in the rather direct fan translation.

I'm actually rather fond of the Advance translation. It's silly, at times, but it's nicer than the fan trans.

I just don't think I can bring myself to give that high of a score to a game where your nemesis is an evil tree. Although, I remember liking FF10...

If they'd explained why he's a tree, maybe. But you have to admit, the job system makes up for a lot of failings. There's no longer 'one winning strategy'.

That is true. This particular playthrough really forced me to make good use of unusual classes, like the chemist. There are so many ways to fight these different battles, and that is a huge change from even the most flexible of the earlier games.

It's a good precedent that holds through in future games, too.

Well, I mean, the extreme malleability of your characters' abilities is just one end of the spectrum. FF games are always swinging back and forth between that end and the set character classes end, which we see in FF4. I mean, FF4 was a game that was extremely inflexible in that regard. Even FF1 has more customization options for your characters

That's true - but a lot of the future games promise infinite customization. Materia in 7. Junctions in 8. Sphere Grid in 10. That weird chessboard thing in 12. Nine, and to some small part, six, are the only two that really tie you down to archetypes. And you don't notice it in six, because you have sixty thousand characters to pick from.

The Sphere Grid was a little more limiting in that it steered certain characters towards certain class-like sets of abilities. And 6 is extremely flexibile when you take into account espers and their level-up bonuses.

This is true, though I never really cared about what the stat-ups were on my espers.

But back to FF5.

Right. I'm not sure what I'd change in the game if I had creative control. Certainly something more sensible than the giant tree last boss, of course.

It would have been nice to have had, I don't know, a plot that wasn't retarded. Or characters that weren't so incredibly dull. I mean, it's hard to make cross-dressing pirate babes boring, but this game achieves that, somehow.

I don't know - a great evil, sealed by the crystals, trying to harness the power of destruction.... that's a pretty standard FF Plot.

But FF4 outgrew that, and FF5 is a step backwards.

I mean, four was all about an emo paladin-wannabe angsting over all the blood he's shed, all the while some evil force, somewhere, is trying to harness the power of the crystals. Really, the only difference between four and five was character development, in my opinion.

But that's a pretty big difference. To me, FF5 feels like an NES game in terms of the advancement of the plot. There are no twists or turns or whatever. Everything turns out exactly as you expect it to.

I agree, the plot's a step backward. But the way the game handles? I think it's a huge step up. I was a bit bored of how battles went in FF4 by the end.

That's true. FF5 is a longer game than FF4, too, so it has to keep your interest for longer.

Four became a bit like three for me at the end -- the battle system just started to grate on my nerves, and I got tired of wanting to play it. That reminds me -- I was watching the Final Fantasy Retrospective on GameTrailers, and the whole reason that the series started was that the team liked to think "They could tell a good story." Which is somewhat laughable to me, looking back at FF1 and 2. But, then again, Sakaguchi has been a pretty big success, so what do I know.

I think the whole reason that the series started was that Squaresoft wanted to fill a swimming pool full of sweet, sweet yen.

Well, FF1 came out when the company was about to go under. They picked RPGs for the story telling factor, and I'll be honest, I didn't care about the stories until FF6.

I will always hold a high opinion of FF4, and even FF2 to some extent, regarding the story factor.

Those were good stories, but bad gameplay. It's almost not worth playing through the game to get to that bit of goodness at times, though.

Honestly, and this is the gosh-darn truth, I really don't care about gameplay in RPGs. (gasp!) I mean, unless the gameplay is SO bad as to be obtrusive (as it is in the original FF2, and not the Dawn of Souls remake that we covered in the blog), I really don't care.

See, I'm actually a bit of the opposite. If it's got enjoyable gameplay, I'll forgive some plot problems.

Oh, the good gameplay in FF5 certainly makes me forgive the lameness of its plot to an extent. But not to the degree that, say, a great story in FF6 makes me forget the incredibly low difficulty in that game.

The difficulty was fixed a little bit in 6 Advance.

Good gameplay will redeem a lousy RPG and make it okay, but it won't make it a great game. And FF5 is certainly not a great game.

Good gameplay will redeem a lousy RPG plot. A great plot will NOT forgive a horrible interface.

Shut up! yes it will!

We've just got to agree to disagree.

Nyah nyah. I guess it's just that, to me, gameplay in RPGs is not designed to be fun. I mean, you don't actually get to swing a sword at someone. You go to a menu and select "swing sword,"and then your guy swings his sword, and an algorithm determines whether or not he hits, or whatever.

Right, but if you get a fair amount of planning behind how you're swinging....

I mean, I'm not walking down a forest path going, "Oh my god, I can't WAIT until I get a random encounter! Those are the BEST!"

Right, but you'll never go "Wow! I'm so engrossed in this story! I don't care that the game is so ridiculously difficult and uncustomizable! Even if it takes me six hours of battling, I will hit the new plot point!" You'd go 'fuck this!', and turn on Desperate Housewives.

Well, I might. But then again, I actually played Quest 64 in its ENTIRETY.

Which makes your judgement questionable as is.

Look who's talking, Mr. "Tecmo: Secret of the Stars".

Yeah, well, that was just an exercise in self-mutilation.

I had my reasons for playing Quest 64, too. It's a long and horrible story.

Well, I think we can safely say that we've found a dead horse, and we can stop beating it. Are you ready to render your verdict in number form?

Yes. FF5 is a very solid game, and an improvement in every respect on the job system of FF3. I give it a 7/10.

I liked it a bit more than you -- and I liked it better than FF4. I can't forgive all the plot problems, but it was a great game. I'm going to say 8.5/10.

Ohmigod, Matty, guess what game is next! It begins with "F" and rhymes with "Minal Mantasy Mix!"

The one that'll probably get two 10s?

Shh, don't give it away! we want people to keep reading!

Oh. Right. I hate that damn game. Zero!

Yeah! FF6: totally NOT the most awesome game ever. You heard it here!

And if Kammy says it, you know it's true.

That gives FF5 an FFNerds score of 7.75/10. Stick around as the FFnerds finish up the SNES era with Final Fantasy 6! If any of you loyal readers have any requests on which versions we should play, or which challenges we should do (low-level, single-character, etc.,) speak up!

Why I Love FFV: One Last Marathon Post

2007-07-26T18:42:00.000-04:00

So, admittedly, I finished FF5 several days ago. So, let's start out and discuss another Final Fantasy tradition. Nude, busty women. She's especially evil, as she's got the necessary crotch-related deformity. She's got two serpents snaking out of her vuh-jay-jay. The final third of the game involves a lot of boss fights, all with creatures that look bizarre like Melusine.

I wish I could say that this picture was related to snake-lady. However, it's clear. When you're on a quest to save the world from an evil force the likes of which have not been seen for thousands of years, booty is ALWAYS just one random encounter away.

Anyway, after you sleep your way around the world, you finally make it to the end of the game. It turns out, in typical Final Fantasy fashion, that the final boss of the game is NOT the equally matched human you thought he was. He's a giant freaking tree.

This always threw me for a loop. I never understood the narrative justification. Is this a subtle jab at hippies and the liberal media, always out hugging their trees in order to save the world? Is this a bitter retort to the overpriced gardening industry, where a small shrub will run you $37.95? We may never know.

Final Fantasy... EXTREME!!!

2007-07-26T15:21:00.000-04:00

What else do we have to say about FF5?

I dunno. Maybe the tree monsters?

It IS kind of retarded that the main villain is a tree. Like, how did that happen? And is it X-death, like, EXTREME death, or is it Ex-death, like, formerly death?

Hmm. I think it's like X-fight. Xtra death!

Like the gum?

Exactly.

You mean X-actly!

How Xciting.

I mean, it's like, they are all, "This villain isn't evil enough." And then Square Executive #2 goes, "Why don't we have the word 'Death' in his name? That sounds pretty evil." And then Square Executive #3 goes, "No, it still needs a little something extra..."

Then Square Executive #2 goes, "X-tra, you say?" And they all laugh while the credits run.

I mean, it's one of those things where I think to myself, "Maybe it doesn't sound so lame in Japanese." And then I stop and say, "Wait a minute, of COURSE it sounds that lame in Japanese. What was I thinking?"

Haha. Deathhu-ex.

I mean, there are lots of examples in the Final Fantasy oeuvre of Japanese scriptwriters just not understanding how Western-sounding names are supposed to look.

Krile?

I'm thinking more like Cloud Strife, Squall Leonhart, Celes Chere, Ashelia B'nargin... Don't even get me started on Edgar Roni and Sabin Rene Figaro.

Relm! Aroni!

Yes, and there's Relm Arrowny, the San Fransisco Treat. Tactics is a prime example of this, actually. Ramza Beaoulve? Is that how you spell his name?

Something like that. Strago Magus?

Those Japanese and their x-centricities.

It's x-asperating.

Plot, schmot

2007-07-25T15:23:00.000-04:00

You know, this challenge that we're doing makes FF5 really fun to play, even though I am currently on track to be fighting Exdeath with Faris as a berserker. It's the whole Progress Quest-ish thrill of seeing your guys learn new jobs and watching their stats go up, but I suppose that's where most of the fun in RPG gameplay lies. That means that the plot in this game is just something to turbo through on my ZSNES so I can get back to gaining AP as soon as possible. Fortunately for me, the plot of this game is minimal, with none of the twists that characterized its predecessor. This is an old-fashioned game plot in the grand tradition of the 8-bit era, with quests involving "Collecting things", "Gaining more power," and "Defeating the bad guy." That said, this game does do a couple of things, plotwise, that we haven't seen before in the series.

1. Flashbacks. This is the first FF game where we actually see glimpses of individual characters' pasts. We learn about the backgrounds of the FF4 crew second-hand, but Cecil never actually flashbacks to the moon or whatever. Of course, the characters of this game are pretty much incidental to the plot for the most part, so their backgrounds wouldn't be detailed in story-related dialogue, so flashbacks are the way to go.

The most important detail we learn from all this was that Butz's father and Galuf were part of a Light Warriors-y cabal back in the day that sealed away the evil mage tree Exdeath somehow-- because sealing away an ancient evil instead of killing it outright ALWAYS works out for the best, right?

2. Major player character death. Characters have died in FF games before. FF2 basically had a rotating party slot where people would join your party and then die heroically saving your party from a crushing boulder, exploding fortress, or whatever. The same basically held true for FF4, except it turned out that most of the people you thought were dead turned out to be magically cured, or rescued by fairies.

Galuf falls prey, once again, to the rule that old men in RPGs never survive, but he is one of five playable characters in the whole game, and so it is a much bigger deal when he dies than when, say, Tellah Meteos himself to death. It's actually kind of touching, given how little I care about the characters in this game. He totally sacrifices his life and keeps fighting while mortally wounded to keep Exdeath from killing his granddaughter. Awww. Note how your party at least TRIES a phoenix down before giving up. Do you hear that, Cloud?

Why I love FFV: Hot Intraspecies Sex

2007-07-24T19:54:00.000-04:00

So, there's all kinds of interesting little tidbits in FFV that are either points created just to push the plot along, or plot points themselves too minor to mention.

There's a lot of Moogle-related backstory here. I'm sort of thrown here. Moogles, appearantly, are like the Borg. They live in a great moogle colllective in the woods, and I can assume their only goal is world domination. (Watch for FFXIV - Rise of the Moogles. You heard it here first.).

What's interesting, though, is that apparently Krile can ALSO communicate through telepathy. Now, I'm not one to point fingers about some sort of vast conspiracy, but I think it's entirely possible that someone in Krile's family was a little TOO familiar with the moogles, if you know what I mean.

I mean, it's not like the party ever got too familiar with the creatures of the forest....

Oh. Well, I mean, it's not like the forest is pink and flesh-toned....

Oh.

Right. Well, clearly my work is done here.

Why I love FFV: Weird translations

2007-07-23T18:47:00.000-04:00

So, one thing that stands out is the really weird translation that they've given the GBA rerelease of FF5. I mean, half of the time it seems like they're talking about some weird STD. "Such a pity! That bedamned clapperclaw has taken the queen in her sexual prime!".

There's also some interesting phrases used instead of... well, let's just pick "Holy Crap!". I mean, I suppose it's plausible that they have Christmas. And, instead of reindeer, I suppose Santa drags his airship with eight frisky black chocobos.

I know, I should probably hate these weird bits of dialogue. And I do -- I think that the Jumping Christmas! thing is absurd. I like the thought of an archaic speaking (fake) King Tycoon, though. As though a father is going to pick a random dungeon to talk to his daughter about the dangers of the clap.

And, look! You get a town of secret homosexuals. Look! They're macking on Butz! And, if you dance for them, they throw gil at you! You're a cheap 100 gil harlot!

That's why _I_ love FFV.

Sheep: To molest, or not to molest?

2007-07-22T21:56:00.001-04:00

Apparently Butz finds that his needs can't be satisfied by a PETA card-carrying princess and a transgendered pirate wench. Where else is a man to turn but to the adorable, fluffy sheep dotting the meadows of this rustic village?

But molesting sheep is never the right answer. Now you know! and knowing is half the battle.

Why I love FFV - Ridiculously weird storylines

2007-07-20T19:37:00.000-04:00

So, for all of my being on a high horse about how plot and... uh, stuff are important, FFV is pretty ridiculous. I mean, it's probably one of the more ridiculous of the series. I don't think the early games had enough plot, and I think the later ones actually had more serious attentions placed upon things like script writing.

All that said, FFV is great. You get sucked up by a friendly sea beastie, because swimming is just too damn hard, you get to do an obligatory 'the castle will explode in 10 minutes' run, where you curse loudly at every single fire-based beast that the game could throw at you... really, this game, much like FF4, sets the groundwork for what makes Final Fantasy... well, Final Fantasy. And, for some reason, it does it in a way that doesn't bug me as much as FF4 did.

Not only do you get all that, you ALSO get friendly NPCs that concisely summarize the entire plot of the game for you in one easy to manage sentence, thereby rendering our blog unnecessary. [Don't worry -- we'll keep soldiering on.] Of course, some of you are more interested in what our individual randomized play style is like, but I've got a screenshot for that too.

I think that a lot of thought went into this retranslation. It's not perfect, but it's pretty well executed, and it's nice to have a slightly different flavor to something that I know so well.

I Love FFV.

2007-07-18T18:46:00.000-04:00

Okay, I admit, I'm a little biased. I love Final Fantasy V. I think the job system is brilliant -- you can have a drastically different game each and every time you play by just varying the classes you use. And the game practically encourages it.

I also discovered today that my GBA screenshot folder overwrites itself when I close the program, so Kamarile will have to talk about the beginning of the game.

As you may no doubt notice, most of my party is blind. That's the beauty of having a Blue Mage, because you have to let the enemy wail on you with their deadliest attacks, on the slightest off-chance that you might be able to go, "Hmm. They appear to be photoluminescent. And, so am I! Yay! Blindy!".

Then again, it is a world full of potato meteors [again, no screenshot. Stupid computer.], so anything is possible. Despite my earlier reservations about my party, using a blue mage is pretty righteous, as you can turn all kinds of monsters into frogs.

But, enough about the gameplay. I'm normally not a fan of the 'modernization' of the scripts, but there are occasionally some good lines thrown in.

So far, I'm absolutely loving this game. I've played the common fantrans quite a few times, and I think I've only played this version once -- but it's good. It's damn good.

Let the Games Begin!

2007-07-17T13:29:00.000-04:00

So, how's FF5 treating you so far, Matty?

Surprisingly well, considering I rolled three different mages and a thief to start with.

Ouch! I was lucky and I rolled a classic Black Mage, White Mage, Monk, Knight party.

Which is the typical party you'd start with, no?

I mean, pretty much. It's the standard FF1 starting party for most people.

My two different characters from yours aren't too terrible either. Thieves are pretty useful with the sneaky fleeing, and Blue Mages can wield SWORDS and are surprisingly powerful. I'd be curious to see an all Blue-Mage game, actually.

What I worry about is that I'm using these classes so early in the game. Just watch me be fighting Xdeath at the end with an animal trainer, a dancer, and a chemist.

I wonder how much AP we'll burn through without having to grind. And, by the way, chemists are love.

I haven't even been levelling for money, so far. I'm not very far, though.

I've just made it past the ship graveyard, and everyone's got about 30 AP.

The mages should stay mages for a while, because everyone has that retarded Use Rod skill that you get for mastering those.

Blue Mages are actually surprisingly quick. 350 points to master, I think.

And then you can use blue magic whenever you want! That is actually a good class to get early.

When we get Red Mages, though, that's when the wheels fall off the wagon.

Yum, X-magic!

True, but at around 1200 AP to master? Yech. That's twice as long as a normal class. Knowing my luck, my Blue Mage will hit it. I'm going to try and avoid mastering Blue Mage with Lenna until I hit the 2nd crystal. Then again, that could mean Berserker.

Oh man, that will be tough, if we get berserkers.

This adds a whole new level of strategy to the game, you know.

It sure does. Can you believe we're actually having a discussion about gameplay and tactics, rather than naughty screenshots?

I thought I took care of that with my 'Beast in the Canal of women' joke. And just wait - I've got a screenshot of one of the pirates going gay for boy-Faris.

And while we're at it, why not laugh about how the hero's name is "Butz"? Which sounds remarkably like "Butts!" hah!
Mine was actually Bartz. I changed it out of principle. The Japanese intended for him to be hard core and Butz-like.

Hahahaha. Hardcore Butz.

And, just like that, we're back to normal.

How to be an FFNerd, lesson one:

2007-07-16T20:07:00.001-04:00

Don't be afraid to shoot for the easy marks. Might I suggest, I bet it did, or "Yeah, and I targeted your mom last night!".

FFV: Special Rules!

2007-07-15T20:20:00.001-04:00

So, FF5 is one of those games Kamarile and I have played to death. In the interest of keeping things... interesting, I've proposed the following rule, and she's agreed.

When you get your first jobs, everyone is assigned a random one. They cannot change class until after they've mastered the job.
When you master a job, you roll another new class and continue on. The only additional catch is you cannot roll a class someone else is/has mastered.

Tricky? You bet. Fun? Oh yeah.

FF4: In Conclusion

2007-07-15T19:46:00.000-04:00

So, Kammy, what did you think of FFIV?

I've always really enjoyed FFIV, but I loved it even more seeing it coming out of FFIII. This game represents what I consider the greatest leap in quality in the series.

There's definitely a tremendous leap in quality coming from IIIj. What's interesting, though, is I think there's a similar leap coming up.

From V to VI, you mean?

Even from IV to V. I was mildly disappointed by my memory of FFIV versus the reality.

FFIV more than any other game in the series is one that I feel was limited by the programmer's skill with the new hardware.

And the script writers' skill with the language.

I mean, people complain about the blocky early-psx graphics of VII, but those didn't really affect the game.

That's true. In terms of graphics for SNES RPGs, FFIV is pretty top-notch.

Well, of course you had to go for the lousy translation. I quite like the FF Chronicles translation, and I am fond of the old J2E, despite my having dedicated a whole post to whining about it.

That's true. But even your translation was iffy. We're going to fly a giant whale to the moon?

Dude, my translation called it the "Magical Ship," which is totally lame. I think the newer official translations go with "Lunar Whale," but I'd have to check. (Readers who comment on things, you go do some detective work and tell me if that's true!)

Lunar Whale probably tops the lot.

What I meant by the constraints of the programming, though, is the extremely brief and fast-paced nature of the game. The world is small, the songs are short, ATB battle is quick and brutal. Remember the evil wall? and Odin?

The Odin battle felt right, in terms of future games keeping with the precedent, anyway. The world is ridiculously tiny, though, and that really hurts when you're trying to dicker around with the airship.

I always thought of that as a drawback to this game, but I just came out of FF3, which had the opposite problem.

If some of the gameplay issues were tweaked in FF3, I think it could have easily been better than FF4.

I think the compressed world lends FF4 a unique feel that sets it apart from a lot of the more bloated games in the series.

It's surprising just how much bigger the world was in 3 compared to this one.

But those late-generation NES RPGs had huge worlds. Remember DQ4?

True, though DQ4 is easily the best NES RPG out there. FF5 fixes a lot of the problems with FF4. I think the storyline is better put together, the speed issue is resolved...

But somehow FF5 is not as engaging a game for me. Maybe it's that FF4 is so much a character-driven game, and that was something completely new for the series. FF2 had dabbled in this a little bit, but you spend that game carrying out the goals of Hilda and the resistance, and in FF4 it's all about Cecil personally.

True. FF4, emo-fest though it is, is definitely character-driven.

FF5's story might be better thought out, but its characters aren't. Butz, Faris, Lenna, Galuf, and Cara aren't very interesting people. (You should still read when we do FF5, though! Honest! It'll be great!) I'm willing to forgive plot holes in RPGs if I genuinely care about what happens to the people in my party.

I think that they finally get the plot quirks worked out by FF6, though that starts to waver as we go 3d.

FF4 isn't a perfect game, but it is a great name. I've called it the first great 16-bit RPG, and I will stand by that nominer. I can't think of a single RPG as influential as FF4. Seriously.

I'll agree with that. It's not the greatest, by far, but it's great considering where it's roots were.

They invented ATB! Think of how many games, past and present, have used some variant of the ATB.

Well, Square certainly stuck by it. Other groups stuck by what they'd always used, more strictly turn-based combat. FFIV is the mold, at least, by which games are built for almost a decade after, though.

But it's neat, for me, seeing the vestiges of FF3 in this game. The fat chocobos, the graphic design...

What I like about these early games, is that they all feel like they're from the same world. Though once you hit FF6, you lose that common thread of super-magical Crystals.

You also begin to lose some of the traditional class distinctions that define the earlier games (even FF2, where you had pure white mages like Minwu, or dragoons like that one guy whose name I forget.) In this game in particular, characters are defined by their classes. Rosa's all white-magey about nurturing other people, particularly her boyfriend. Gilbert/Edward is such a pussy that his skill is to hide. There's also a neat bit in this translation about how Cain became a dragoon in order to follow in his father's footsteps. And Cecil can't redeem his soul until he switches classes from Dark Knight to Paladin.

Though, when he does redeem his soul, he goes from level xx to level 1, and all his stats are strangely higher. All dragoons are following in their father's footsteps.

The funny thing is, after FF2, all white mages in the FF universe are mysteriously female.

You can't heal people with a penis. That's just silly.

I guess not. Anyway, it seems as if we can't discuss FF4 without bringing up the entire history of the series.

It's because part of what makes FF4 great is that it sets a lot of good precedent. If you don't consider that, the game falls a bit flat.

Well, the game might have fallen flat for you, but I was playing the version with porn in it. So I have to go ahead and give this game an 8.5.

Though it fell flat, I can't give an exceptionally low score. I still think it's one of the better games in the series, though there are many I enjoy a lot more. I'll give FF4 a score of 7.5.

Aw gee, Matty, lower than FF2? How could you!

I feel guilty. Really.

If we were talking in person I'd smack you in the face with a frying pan.

Which is why I'm glad we'll never, ever meet. I'll point out that you only scored it half a point higher than FF2. Which shows that the two are fairly comparable.

Just as FF5 is an improved FF3, FF4 is an improved FF2. The difference is that the makers of FF4 are still trying to adjust to the platform switch.

I think a lot of the problems weren't related to new hardware. Keep in mind, the SNES came out late 1990. FF4 popped out Mid-1991. It was probably more an issue of "Crap, there's a new console! We need a cash cow! Hurry!".

What? Cash cows? In the Final Fantasy franchise? that would NEVER happen.

It's scandalous, I know.

But it's a cash cow with heart, Matty!

You mean it's a cash cow with Light! From the Moon!

And it has a good message for the kids!

Terrorism is okay if you're doing it for a paladin?

That, and if you say your prayers, a giant spaceship will rise out of the ocean and will be yours to command.

So many good lessons.

Anyway, stay tuned as the FF Nerds whip out the next installment of our playthrough: Final Fantasy V!

Which version of FFV will you be playing, Kammy?

I will be playing some sort of fan-translated SNES rom that I found on some sketchy Geocities website somewhere.

Fantastic. I'll be playing the official version.... from the GBA!

Ergh, Reina? Lenna? Kara? Cara? How will we keep them straight?

It's like we're playing two different games!

Anyway, stick around. We'll be sure to make lots of Butz jokes.

Heh heh. Butz.

That gives FF4 an FFNerds score of 8.0. Seriously, you guys, stick around. FF5 will be fabulous.

Happy ending?

2007-07-15T13:11:00.000-04:00

Hooray! I defeated Zeromus!

Of course I had enough power, bitch. I'm a fricking SPACE PALADIN.

Now for the ending of the game. Everyone lives happily ever after, except for Palom, who is constantly being cockblocked by his sister. The king of Fabul decides that Yang is just so great ("Fabul"ous, even?) that he has to resign and install Yang as king in his place. Edge becomes a king. Cecil marries Rosa and becomes a king... do you see where this is going?

Cain decides that this ending doesn't have enough emo, so he brings some of his own.

But the best ending of all has to go to Gilbert/Edward, the spoony bard himself. In the beginning of the game, he was a weakling who could never be in charge of anything. But now...

...he's taking initiative and leading an efficient and cost-effective child labor cabal!

You go, girl.

Attack of the fan translations!

2007-07-15T12:59:00.000-04:00

The J2E fan translation, for its time, was a pretty sweet fan translation. Remember, guys, this was before all the official Square re-releases where they fixed all the glaring mistakes of their earlier games. This was the first FF4 hardtype that English-speakers could play. I played the original FF2e first, and this translation made me think of FF4 as one of the series' great games.

That said, it is a prime example of what I earlier described as the otaku over-eagerness to put in naughty words. It's like they were all sitting around in their mom's basement, being all, "Those evil executive bastards, giving us the pansy little kid's version of this game! FF4 is super DARK and EDGY. It is a MASTERPIECE of EPIC PROPORTIONS. Never mind the dancing pigs in Mithril Town, this is a game for ADULTS! Squaresoft is so not kawaii. Let's put in what the original Japanese scriptwriters really MEANT to say."

With that in mind, I am giving you the following montage of J2E profanity.

What?! Isn't Cain sort of, like, completely in love with Rosa, which causes him to be jealous of Cecil? Or isn't it like a Gypsy's Girl kind of thing, at least? Her being some sort of lady of the night kind of comes out of nowhere.

"Screw you" isn't a terribly naughty thing to say, but it's completely inappropriate for a mad scientist like Lugeie (the proto-Hojo) to say it. "Screw you" is what you say if you are a high school girl and your best friend totally just asked out the guy that you were crushing on since like last semester when you had bio class together. Why not a good old-fashioned "Damn you!" or "Curses!" or "And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!"?

Looks like that something isn't syntax.

Edge is a veritable wellspring of profanity. He is actually the character that suffers the most for it. The thing about Edge is that for a character who is egotistical and sexist, you have to find some way of making him likable and princely. If all he ever says is "Shit! Rydia, go into the kitchen and make me a fucking Chocobo pie, biatch!", then you kind of want to punt him instead of level him up.

Cid is foulmouthed too:

But what does that even MEAN?

Fly me to the moon....

2007-07-15T12:11:00.001-04:00

When we last left off, we had, with the help of Edge, sexist Ninja, finally embarked on our mission to the moon. Well, we were, except, surprise, surprise, Kain betrayed us again. So, now that we can't take the easy way to the moon, we've got to exhaust all of our alternatives.

And, having exhausted ALL of our alternatives, we decide to fly to the moon in the legendary Big Whale. There's no mention that it's an airship until you actually acquire it -- I envisioned my party riding an orca and jumping out of the ocean with such force that we'd leave the gravitational pull of our planet, ala Free Willy on steroids.

The moon is a lot like the "Blue Planet" we came from, except the inhabitants are mildly tactless. You see, we recently learned that Cecil was a half-breed. Half moonman, half blue planetian.

Even I, crass though I can be, know that a polite conversation does not go:

Hi! I'm Cecil!

Oh! You're a half-bre... er, Hi! I'm generic moon person #281.

So, after getting horribly offended by the moon people, it's time to go back to our own planet to stop it from destruction by a giant robotic-type creature (again, watch this, robopeople are very prominent in future games). Being successful brings to light what we in the business call a 'plot twist'.

You see, Golbez is, (wait for it), Cecil's brother. Scandalous! And, there's some more moon-people racial pride. Seriously, I'm starting to wonder if the whole plan to just destroy all the humans was just race (species?) based. "Oh, we're the Lunars. We're super awesome! Let's send a giant robot to destroy all the non-Lunars!".

Of course, this drives everyone to end-game. We go to the obligatory crystal walled dungeon, have the obligatory fake ending, kill a ridiculous looking boss, and then go home for tea and cookies.

This brings us to the end of FF4.

Teetering the Edge of the Funniest Scene Ever

2007-07-14T22:07:00.000-04:00

So, we had a suicidal airship engineer with a penchant for flashy exits recently leave the party, which means that we have a slot to fill. And look! The kid's got gumption! AND he's got some of the best conversations in the game. (Oh, come on. You've read this blog enough by now to know that I couldn't let a question like: "Haven't you tasted enough of his power?" go without an immature response like, I bet he didn't last night! [See also: Kamarile + Your Mom]).

Anyhoo, the funny conversations can't go on for long, because Angsty McCloudette gets all emo and sobby over the fact that there's been a ridiculously high body count.

No. Really. She has. See?

This is one of those times that we take fancy 3d graphics for granted. I mean, sure, the characters don't have wacky hair....

Er, okay. So maybe they do. But here, where they could have a reasonable polygon-based cry, we have to resort to "-sob- -sob-".

But, on the bright side, with all the sprites dedicated to casting spells, they can at least use those in cutscene......

Oh.

Right.

They didn't.

(In case you haven't noticed, I pretty much took a screenshot of every single line of dialogue that took place here in the cave of princely delights. They're just that good.)

Something else good -- we're almost at the end of the game! One of these mornings, readers, one of these mornings.... BAM! POW! Right to the moon!

Hallelujah!

2007-07-13T13:28:00.000-04:00

On the advice of my local mystical spiritual leader, I climbed a mountain and fought a bunch of zombies in order to purify my soul. This is because of some sort of legend that goes a little something like this:

Seriously, you guys. Give me a little help here. I've played this game like fifty million times and I have no idea what this is supposed to even mean. Is it about how Cecil is some sort of great hero? He wasn't born from a dragon's mouth, he was born from what I can only assume were the genitals of moon people. And what is the light of eternity, and what's blessing Mother Earth with mercy and salvation?? Arrrgh! Kammy no like obtuse prophecy! Kammy smash! Kammy level! Kammy continue with plot of game!

Hooray! I defeated my evil former self in single combat by not fighting at all. (Remember this trick, we'll be seeing it in sweet optional battles for the next couple of games.) This has proven that my soul is worthy, and that I can receive sweet new powers and be a lot more awesome than I used to.... oh.

Goddammit. I have to start from level one all over. It's almost as if the character of Cecil were... born again?

Which I suppose leads to awkward conversations like this.

More interesting things about FFIV

2007-07-11T20:11:00.000-04:00

When I last left off, we were all sad because Tellah just bit the big one. Well, there's only a certain number of cutscene related deaths allowed every plot point, so we eventually broke into the chamber where Rosa, our token female white mage, was being held captive. Suspended above her head was a huge-ass iron ball. This, somehow, is a kinder, more friendly punishment than the guillotine in FFIVj. I don't know about you, but dead is dead, and a huge iron ball seems like a much worse death than choppy choppy, but maybe that's just me.

FFIV starts a few conventions which are rather irksome to me. One is the 'fake ending precisely halfway through the game'. FFVI improves on this, but really, considering how dark of a past Cecil had, surely he must understand the number one rule of gaming -- you have to kill a great evil six, maybe seven times before it's actually dead.

Also, Golbez was fairly normal looking. Evil has to have some weird crotch-related deformity.

Everyone is pretty happy for a few minutes, before the other shoe drops. Oh, wait, Golbez isn't dead? The Tower is going to explode?! We only have five minutes to live? Oh no! The cutscene death quota was sated for the time being, so we all made it out safe.

In fact, the next incident lets me break out Kamarile's favorite post tag. This is Cid. Everyone's favorite technogeek.

And world-famous suicide bomber.

I honestly wonder if this game could get published in today's standards without a crazy religious figure / homeless person / methadone addict getting on the television and talking about how it's gonna corrupt our bay-bees.

But, then again, there's not an evil Catholic church-style organization, so maybe it's okay.

Variables have ceilings?

2007-07-09T20:16:00.001-04:00

So, I continue my love affair with FFIV. There are some serious, life improving changes that are made. Look! I can actually tell the dancer that I'm too busy saving the world/killing innocents to watch her twirl around the room. Again, if Rockstar were making the game, I'd let her dance for me, but only because I could then whack her with my sword for some free gil.

Of course, the game is not without quirks. During your quest to redeem your soul and leave behind all of the evil icky mojo you've been doing so well with for the entire game, someone decided it would be just peachy if all the light and innocence that was floating around granted you the greatest black magic in existence. Clearly, this is a homage back to the days where programmers didn't always check their code very well, and you'd get a number so high that it ended up being a negative number.

...I just made a programming joke. That's some major geek cred.

Of course, Tellah promises to only use his new powers for good, further proving my so holy that he must be evil theory, and everyone goes off to cause Golbez some seriously pointy harm. This causes him to be filled with the angry and the grrr. (This is a phrase I use in real life, and I'm glad that I have an excuse to use it here!)

Of course, Golbez is too mighty and evil to be slain by Meteo, and frolics off to steal more crystals, but Tellah, well... he's not so lucky. The old nag dies in a touching scene, bringing the named character death/deathlike state count ever higher. (Perhaps if enough people die, it'll be like no-one died at all!)

Okay, that's the last time I'll use that joke. I promise.

FFIV - Surprisingly Controversial!

2007-07-08T12:29:00.000-04:00

One of the really surprising things about Final Fantasy IV is just how controversial it is. Your first quest of the game involves you taking a friendly package to the village of summoners to the North. This has all the feelings of a fetch quest, but you'd be wrong if you thought this would be a Get X, Take to Y, Get Z from Y, Take Z to AA.....

In fact -- when you deliver the package to the village, it contains.... Bombs. I'll pause for a moment while you're paralyzed from laughter.

No, really. I can wait. The package was full of BOMBs. Get it? BOMBS? Ahaha.

Things go pretty smoothly from here -- I mean, he DOES kill one of our character's daughter (and another character's love interest!), when he blows up a neighboring kingdom, which pretty much causes an international incident. I mean, we have some pretty serious warmongers coming in future Final Fantasies, and maybe it's just a product of the Times that we now live in (TM), but Golbez really was the king of the preemptive strike strategery.

So, we team up with a neighboring kingdom. The boys go off to fight and kill, and the girls? Well, I can only assume they're sipping Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain. Despite the girls taking the 'office of relief", this scene does lead to probably the most clever bit of dialogue we've seen yet.

Occasionally, the translators do hit the mark.